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Why do we decide to have babies?

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Areanor
Post subject: Why do we decide to have babies?
Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:06 am
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Andri brought this question up in another thread, and I thought the topic worth of a thread of its own. So please all you mothers and fathers (and those not) out there, respond with your thoughts.
Andri wrote:

I just came back from a maternity ward where a friend of mine had her baby two days ago. I went to visit and see the baby. He was so adorable...just like a little monkey! :love:
I watched her as she held him and hugged him - such a lovely picture. She then asked me if I wanted to hold him but I said no - I felt really frightened at the thought that I would hold something so tiny and fragile. :oops:

So, I have this sincere question that I would like to ask. To all mothers and future-mothers alike. :bow:
How does a woman decide to have a baby?
Don't you (or didn't) you get overwhelmed by the responsibility? :confused:
This is what I wrote in response:

Andri, thinking about the responsibility comes last. :D

We always wanted at least one child. And we tried for four years. Then I was told that I had too many male hormons and my husband was told that his semen-threads were too slow.

So we went through some severe depression-like feelings until we decided to take up an insemination. It worked first time, and we were happy to have Jana. We never thought it would work without help, so I really was surprised to find out at the Oxford Moot in 2003 that I was pregnant. (And yes, it was that very weekend that I found out) :D

So, we weren't deciding for Fabian, he decided for us. And though he steals a lot of my sleep, I adore him sooo much.

We decided for Jana, because we wanted the joy a child can bring into your life. We never thought about the sorrows. We think about them now, when it's too late. Sometimes, when both are really tearing our nerves apart, we look at each other and say "Can you tell me why we wanted to have kids?" Moments later they make us laugh and they're absolutely sweet angels.

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Eruname
Post subject: Re: Why do we decide to have babies?
Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:12 am
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Andri wrote:
She then asked me if I wanted to hold him but I said no - I felt really frightened at the thought that I would hold something so tiny and fragile. :oops:
You're like me Andri. I always refuse when someone offers to let me hold a baby. I don't know what it is, but I just don't want to touch them. That goes for toddlers too. It makes me seem very cold or mean, but it's just my reaction.
Areanor wrote:
thinking about the responsibility comes last. :D
How could it though? Maybe it's different for each person. Honestly that's the first thing that comes to mind to me. Your life as you know it is over once you have a child. You can't do anything you like as your priority is now the child. Your life practically revovles around that responsibility. To me that's a HUGE thing and is exactly why I don't forsee myself being ready to have kids any time soon. I'm just too selfish about my time. :oops:

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Lord_Morningstar
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:21 am
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Why do people want children? 800 million years of evolution carries a lot of weight.


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Jnyusa
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:34 am
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I never wanted to hold other people's babies either, but I was overjoyed to hold my own. :)

Your own children are different. You, um, clean their poop and suck snot out of their noses and it's not sickening at all. (Same goes for grandchildren.) Even though to this day I'm nauseated by the sight of someone else's kid with a runny nose.

There's a progeny gene or something that kicks in and kills your gag reflex. :D

I absolutely wanted, and casually planned, both my daughters for selfish reasons. Because I was an adopted child myself I really wanted to have someone on earth who was physically related to me, and because I was an only child in my adopted family and didn't like it much I knew I would have at least two. And I hoped they would both be girls and they were!!

Now that both are grown, I enjoy them even more than I enjoyed them as children. Basically, every year was better than the one before it (except during middle school) and besides the minor scuffle here and there I have to say that my kids never gave me problems. They were always the sanctuary from other problems. I've always been able to look at them and say, "Well at least that venture went well!"

We have a really great, adult relationship today.

Jn

Last edited by Jnyusa on Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Griffon64
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:34 am
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Eruname - as I've once told you in, I think, Stormy's thread, back when we two talked so often :D, I am like you as well when it comes to holding babies. I'm almost 27 now and I've never held a baby in my life. I back off when people approach me with babies to hold. I don't know how! I don't want to do something stupid! Those are reasons I think, but I don't really know why I'm not partial to holding them. Toddlers too. I've sat on a coach with a friend's six year hold and him snuggled up to me and we both watching a kiddie DVD, of course, but that was because the kid liked having a grown-up that could still play around, and showed his affection by sitting next to me. It wasn't bad having a small little human around, but it was a sort of neutral experience. I dunno! :D

For me, also, thinking about the responsibility comes FIRST! I am just that kind of person - I can't think of pleasure before responsibility. Well, I often do, to be honest, because I'm impulsive, but not when the consequences is going to be life changing! I just don't know if I have the make-up to handle such a major change in life.

Especially for the mom, life as you knew it is OVER when you have that kid. ( please excuse my very cold response to this! That is the INTJ talkin'! :D ) The rest of your life you will be a slave to the hormones the human species dictated will be pumped into you to keep you in motherly love for that kid for the sake of it's survival. Do I want to lose myself and control over myself? At this stage - no. Or I don't know. Ask me again later. There's a bunch of stuff I still want to do and experience in life, and so much to do with my time. Walking around at 02:00am trying to burp the baby or whatever you do to them with a spit blanket over my shoulder is not one of them at this stage --- NO. Thank. You. :D

And then lastly - what L_M said. We have kids because we are hardwired to. The species must propagate. :D That and all the mushy reasons, I guess :D

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Areanor
Post subject: Re: Why do we decide to have babies?
Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 6:43 am
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Areanor wrote:

Andri, thinking about the responsibility comes last. :D
ermm, yes, I worded that not quite the way I wanted to. :oops:

Of course we thought about all the normal responsibility first.
What Eru said:
Quote:
Your life as you know it is over once you have a child. You can't do anything you like as your priority is now the child. Your life practically revovles around that responsibility.
Yes, so true.

But.

What I only found out later:

I thought it would be easier for me to let them go. Like, going on a moot and leaving the kids with granny or something like that. Going out for an evening and leaving granny with the kids.
It was easier with only one child. Now with the two of them I more often find myself thinking thoughts like:

- what if I go to London for a weekend (and I really would need a two-day-break from family) and something happens? To me? To them?

I didn't have this feeling when I went to see Macbeth in London. Or when I went to the Oxford moot. But since Fabian is there and as he's a mama-child I find it even hard to leave him in the morning to go to work for four hours. Is that just me?

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laureanna
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 7:26 am
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I plead temporary insanity! Well, maybe not temporary ....

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Primula_Baggins
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 8:00 am
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I wasn't good at being a mother of tiny ones. Well, I was OK. They were clean and fed and healthy, and I loved them deeply, and I was glad I had them.

But it's . . . boring. Stressful. Aggravating. Endless. My first two were 20 months apart, which mean two diapers, two high chairs/booster seats, two car seats, two people who had to be held in the bathtub and dressed by hand. And my husband was in his first university teaching post, meaning he had to write every lecture from scratch. He would come to bed at 4 after writing his lecture by flashlight, sitting on the laundry room floor next to our newborn's cradle, so he could rock him back to sleep if it was at all possible. I got up at 5 so I could do my editing work for a couple of hours before the babies woke.

Life then was a list in the front of my brain, top priorities first, meaning things that had to be done within THE NEXT THREE MINUTES. As I did things, others moved up.

BUT. . . .

It had its moments of absolute ecstasy--though I did notice these tended to cluster around when they were asleep. . . .

And within a few years it was not just easier, it was a delight. I'm a good mother for kids who can talk and who can, to some degree, be reasoned with. And now that they're teenagers it's a joy. I grump--but it's nowhere near as frustrating as babies were. They are nice people and I like them, not just love them. For me this is the payoff.

So why do we have babies? Because we're young and starry-eyed and foolish. But that's the same reason people get married. Both are often excellent decisions--in the end! :)


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samaranth
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 8:42 am
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I always wanted children. I came from a large, extended family, and I grew up with the presumption that some day I too would have a child. In my immediate family I was the youngest of 4, and the only girl. We lived at that time on a dairy farm, so I spent a lot of time as a little girl playing by myself with my dolls.

As I grew older, and even though my expectations of where the future might take me changed radically, I still believed that somewhere in there a child would happen. Eventually I met my husband, and eventually we decided to ‘try for a baby’, as it’s sometimes very coyly put. We waited until we’d travelled overseas, bought a house, become settled in our jobs, and generally made the adjustment to the idea of financial security.

Only thing was, nothing happened. We ‘tried’ for a year, and then went through the IVF program, but without success. We decided that the process of conceiving this child was damaging us too much, and gave up. A few weeks later I fell pregnant naturally.

All through this I was trying to understand what it was that was driving me (in particular) so hard to have a child. I still am not sure I can articulate clearly how strong a need it was. I’m not overly ambitious in career terms, preferring to work in places that interest me or where I can contribute something. I did know I would have a fulfilling life without becoming a mother. But I also knew that I could be a good mother.

I should add, it also wasn’t generated by a love of all children – I dropped out of teaching because I really don’t like children en masse. And before Jack was born I’d also only held a couple of other babies and the terror was indescribable.

It was after Jack was born that the sense of responsibility went ‘click’. I looked at this little squirmy thing, lying in his crib and screaming his lungs out, and I realised in panic that ‘I have absolutely no idea how to do this’. A feeling which persists to this day I might add. It’s all learn-as-you-go. So I built a mental triangle – food and drink, shelter and warmth, love and support. In the early sleep-deprived horror days that became something I clung to. ‘Is he fed? Changed? Clean?’ Every so often I still run through that checklist, make sure all the boxes are ticked, and then relax and enjoy each new experience we share. Like you Prim, I found the infancy part to be difficult, and toddlerhood was … challenging. But the personality emerged early, and the wicked sense of humour, eventually followed by the language skills. We have some of the best conversations now. (Jack is 8.)

The fact that I can only do my best at this is something I have to keep reminding myself of too. There is a strong culture of guilt around motherhood, particularly working motherhood, and it’s a trap best avoided. There is enough to worry about without adding to the load.


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Frelga
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 9:34 am
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The first infant I ever held was my son. I'm a selfish little beast, and I was putting off having a child year after year, citing our financial instability at the time. What crept up on me was not so much my biological clock ticking, not so much that I wanted a baby.

What i wanted was to have my husband's child. I wanted our love for each other to take shape and separate from us and have a life of its own. I have the greatest admiration to those who open their hearts and their homes to adopted children, but I don't think I could do it myself.

Motherhood affected me on the deepest level, far beyond the sleepless nights and sidetracked career, and it's not that I stopped caring about myself. It brings me the highest highs and lowest lows I've ever experienced, sometimes within the same 15 minutes. Someone said that being a parent is like having your heart walk around in someone else's body...


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Leoba
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 1:40 pm
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I've gone from really loving working with children - I used to babysit throughout my teens and have worked in a day nursey - to finding myself freezing with fear and utterly tongue-tied in the company of little ones! I'd say I've always been more confident with three and overs, but I think anyone under 15 is too much!!! :Q

It just so happens that having a boyfriend 11 years older than me (I'm coming up 27 this summer) the issue is going to have to be faced at some point. I have always wanted children and I've even found myself going through (faintly unnerving) broody patches, but I would be so scared of dropping or breaking a baby!

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Rebecca
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 2:14 pm
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Goodness! I think I'm much better with toddlers and little babies. I adore children, especially young kids. That's basically why I got into teaching, at least at first.

Holding babies isn't hard. You should try it Griff and Eru. They're so cute and cuddly.

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Griffon64
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 2:31 pm
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Leoba - :hug: I've had the odd, faint broody patch too, but the last one was probably more than 7 years ago ( back then I was too young to know what I'm doing, I guess :D )

As this post and the others show, I actually have no clue where I stand on this, except that I think I'm more into the "I dunno, and I don't think I wanna" camp :D

Rebecca - oh no. I don't even like the "baby" smell that others wax lyrical about! :D The only things I find cute and cuddly are kittens. *melts* not even puppies. Kittens. And sleeping or friendly or playing cats :D

And ...

Heh.

Nothing more to read here. Move along, move along :D

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MariaHobbit
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reposted from the thread that started this:
Maria wrote:
Andri wrote:
How does a woman decide to have a baby?
Don't you (or didn't) you get overwhelmed by the responsibility?
Well, not when it's a spur of the moment decision! :D We'd been separated a month because my husband was attending the Belgium Commando course, and when he got back, in the heat of the moment, I asked him, "Do you want to make a baby?" He said yes, and I think I got pregnant right then, right there! :D We hadn't really considered having kids before then.

Baby # 2 was unplanned. He was born 15 months after the first one. Baby # 3 was unplanned. She was born 22 months after the second one.

Thinking ahead and pondering responsibility did not figure in any of the cases. No rational thought processes were involved.
I will add that when my husband asked me to marry him, I had this flash of foresight? dread? whatever: I had this momentary vision of several crying, snot nosed brats ruining my day. I didn't particularly WANT children, but it was part of the package, so to speak, so I said yes. We had 3 years before kids started showing up.

A couple of months before we decided to start having children (see above!) , we were visiting my commander at his house, and my husband was having a really good time playing with their darling little girl, and I saw in his eyes a longing that I couldn't deny. So, really, I did it for him. I didn't have a scrap of maternal instinct until about half way through my pregnancy, when my breasts started showing milk early.

"Oh!" I thought, "I guess I'll have to breast feed!"

When the baby was born, I went back to active duty 30 days later, leaving the baby with a baby sitter every day. After a few months of this, my new commander recommended a woman to me to be our nanny. That worked out much better, with the highly irregular hours that an Army officer must keep. It worked out well-- up until the moment my daughter hurt herself trying to stand up, and I picked her up to comfort her and :shock: she held out her arms to the nanny and cried harder!

That was UNBEARABLE. I'd just found out I was pregnant again, and so spent the next month getting out of the Army, hand delivering paperwork from desk to desk until everything was approved. I then fired the nanny, and then settled down to be a stay-at-home mom for the next 8 years.

I was completely unprepared for the wash of maternal instinct that took over my life a few months after the birth of the first child and lasted until just a few years ago. It wasn't a logical reaction at all. I had a good career going, and if I'd stayed in, would be retired by now, but I don't regret it. Raising those kids has been the most important, difficult and rewarding task of my life- and in only 4 more years, the youngest will be off to college, and on her own (more or less).

The older my kids are, the better I like them. I do not pine for the days when they were sweet little babies. On the contrary, I was so traumatized by having 3 babies with months of COLIC so close together that I will only hold another person's baby under duress, or to demonstrate my highly effective bobbing colic-easing walk!


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crystal_seed
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We wanted children, talked about it before we were married.

I did the typical babysitter thing too, but never was much interested in babies- UNTIL... my sister had trouble concieving and then I got to help her out after she had IVF (I had to give her shots), and then got to be there for the birth, and spend time with her, helping out when she had TWINS :D

My Hub and I decided to wait and when we got around to trying- I ended up having difficulties- bleeding every 13 days for up to 7 days at a time. After a D&C, and a polyp biopsy... and the very real scare that we might not be ABLE to have kids...

....when everything turned out okay (*phew)- it still took about a year for me to get pregnant.

Now we have two children... I loved (well after the second one ;) ) the baby phase- but from 2-6 I have been dealing with 'first adolescence', 'second adolescence' and pre-teenager.... and once they FINALLY hit the REAL THING.... it will probably kill me.... :help:

...this too shall pass :neutral:

Actually, I like working with teenagers- not sure how it will be with my own. I love my kids to bits, and can relate to what all the moms have said. But one thing that can have a vast influence on how you experience child raising is whether you and your husband /S.O.- are together on the discipline issue. My Hub and I were raised in 2 different styles, and hence we have two differing approaches .... which doesn't work so well. Something that can and will cause conflict at any given point and time...*sigh*

It didn't help matters that we spent the last 5 years living in the same house as my in-laws either (I get along with my in-laws well, and they now have their own place- but it still is the source of some of our problems with the kids now :( ). Imagine the delight of any toddler/young child at having 4 people to ask.. to get the answer they want :roll:

Don't get the wrong impression- sometimes I despise 'parenting', but PARENTHOOD is a blessing and a gift!


For those of you who don't want to hold kids because you are afraid you might drop them.... don't worry- you WILL be extra careful, just BECAUSE you are afraid you might drop them...just don't take it personally if they decide to spit up on you =:)

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Guruthostirn
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 4:42 pm
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The corresponding thread should be "Why do some of us exercise common sense and avoid children"...

I am Sooo extremely glad that my current relationship excludes children...though Vana wonders if I'll change my mind, and thus, need to find someone else...but no thanks! I'm too sensible...besides, I'd rather spend on myself the 100,000 dollars they figure it takes to raise a child over 18 years...and I saw what happened with my sister...children tie you down.

Some important life advice to everyone: Avoid financially entangling arrangements: credit cards, loans, children...

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Andri
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Wow! I never expected that my question would start off a new thread! :Q

feeling quite proud of myself :cool:

Like Leoba and Crystal_seed, I also did my share of babysitting. I was surprised to find that changing a toddler's nappy wasn't as yuccy as I thought it would be. (Feeding him was worst, though). What I found unbearable was the long, boring hours where I had to sit and keep company to him. There is a limit to how many times a person can throw a teddy-bear across the room so that a toddler will go and get it.
Playing "fetch" with a dog is much more entertaining, I tell you.:devil:

However, I remember with mellowness the look on his face every morning, when he woke up, stood on his bed clutching the wooden rail and smiling at me with his huge blue eyes.

Now I am a teacher and I get along very well with my students. I enjoy their company and I feel that they like me, as they gradually open up to me, letting me be part of their lives. But our contact lasts up to one hour every week and after that they go away and they are not my responsibility any longer.

My partner and I have entered a new phase in our relationship where we are seriously thinking about getting married. The issue of starting a family has of course entered the conversation but we are both scared of taking this step. I wonder if this will improve over time.
Jnyusa wrote:
Because I was an adopted child myself I really wanted to have someone on earth who was physically related to me,
As I am also an adopted child, I know exactly what you mean about this feeling. Although I love my adoptive family to pieces and feel that they are my true family, I sometimes feel excluded whenever I look at old family photos of my parents, grandparents and other relatives. I can see the family resemblance in their faces and bodies but I cannot see my face anywhere in them. This is a very sad feeling.
Physically, I look very different from my parents. They are both tall and slim with brown eyes and straight black hair, and I am short and plump with blondish curly hair and blue eyes. My sis has brown eyes and hair but by a strange twist of fate, we have exactly the same height!
As I was growing up it was natural for me NOT to look like my parents. I guess it will feel strange to me when I finally have someone that looks a bit like me. :oops:


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Primula_Baggins
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 4:45 pm
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If you feel that way, it's just as well, Guru.

But there's more to life than money. Just sayin'.


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Guruthostirn
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 4:58 pm
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Primula_Baggins wrote:
If you feel that way, it's just as well, Guru.

But there's more to life than money. Just sayin'.
Yeah, I'd make a terrible parent...

Part of it is I want to get to the point in my life where I Could, if I wanted, raise children in a better atmosphere. I see too many people have children without the spare financial capabilities...then break themselves providing for their children, and even then the kids aren't that well off...if I'm going to have kids, I'm going to make darn sure I can take care of them properly.

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Pippin4242
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Posted: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 5:27 pm
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Leoba wrote:
I've gone from really loving working with children - I used to babysit throughout my teens and have worked in a day nursey - to finding myself freezing with fear and utterly tongue-tied in the company of little ones!
I do a lot of babysitting. I don't really have a clue what I'm doing :roll: but the more I babysit the more I realise how different from my charges I was when I was younger. They don't even get my jokes, but that's probably a good thing. :oops:
Leoba wrote:
I'd say I've always been more confident with three and overs, but I think anyone under 15 is too much!!! :Q
Phew, that was close. :P Knock that back one year and I'd have had to have gone into a sulk at you. ;)

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