[Note: I'm posting this on HOF as well.]
A friend of mine just lost his father. He doesn't want to talk about it - doesn't want to draw attention to himself by announcing it to his friends. But I wish there was some way that I could show him that there are lots of folks out there going through the same thing, quietly, like ships passing through the night. It only takes a few words to reach out and release the intimacy of others. Which can be very scary, and very comforting. I'm sure he has other friends who really care about him and would want to know about his loss and would want to reach out to him, if they knew. So I'm starting this generic threads and will let him know it is here so he can read it. Maybe he'll just lurk. Maybe he'll decide to talk to his friends after he reads this.
I haven't lost my dad, so I can't speak from that experience, but I have lost others close to me. I know when my dad dies, I will have very mixed emotions. He was a very hard man to grow up with, since he was explosively violent - usually verbal but sometimes physical. There were many times when I wished he were dead. But in between the rage "benders" he was a great dad and husband. Fortunately, he's mellowed with age (and I've mellowed and softened, myself). He's also on a medication that has the delightful side effect of squelching the rage syndrome. So in the past two years I've had the opportunity to get to know him as a real person whom I'm not afraid of. I'm very slowly dropping of the emotional baggage, one piece at a time.
But now I watch him grow older, and slowly lose his faculties. I watched my mother-in-law slip into dementia over a 15 year period until she finally died, completely incoherent. I don't want to watch that happen to my dad. He's the constant caregiver of my mom, who is in chronic pain and unable to walk more than a few steps. He hovers over her and is constantly fetching and carrying for her. He can't leave her for more than an hour. Her care is his whole life, now. It is taking its toll on him. An 84 year old man, even one in good physical condition, is too old to be an 18-hour-per-day nursing attendant. Yet he must be in control - must be the one giving the help. He is not going to grow old gracefully.
So have any of you lost your father, or become estranged from your father, or are in the process of losing your father, or have very mixed emotions about your father? Got any words of wisdom about how to relate to your father when relating is about as much fun as hugging a porcupine? I know that several of you have posted about this issue over the years, and about the similar issues yet different issues of moms and spouses and other family members. Though I've only lurked in those threads, they have been of great comfort to me, and I thank you in advance for opening up again.