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"Opening up to happiness" - an article

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Teremia
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 3:58 pm
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A door? Right there?

Quick, open it so I can see!

:)

[presses "SUBMIT" with the usual sigh]




[then after a few minutes returns to ask humbly]
Seriously, I can see the benefit in perceiving a Wall as a Door, but how exactly does one go about it? Effort (I say from long frustrated experience) doesn't seem to help in this arena. It can't just be a matter of "looking on the good side," either, can it? Because there are enough bad things that happen without having any obvious "good sides" to them. My experience with the kind of trouble that has a person feeling she's going through the Fiery Furnace suggests that while one is IN the Furnace, no lesson is there to be learned. One isn't even very pleasant to be around, much of the time. Long after having EXITED the Furnace, perhaps some sort of equanimical higher perspective can be achieved that shows the general value of going through Furnaces or the particular value of that furnace -- but that doesn't help those of us in Fiery Furnaces to find our ways out.


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Axordil
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 8:36 pm
Not so deep as a well
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I call it the Crucible, but it's the same idea. And stepping into it is, believe it or not, always a choice (one can always choose to do nothing--but that leads into its own little cul-de-sac). The point of the crucible, aka the fiery furnace, is to give you no choice except to deal with things once you're in. The dross of the situation, the things that distract or obscure what is really going on, are burnt away.

What remains is...better. Wiser. More perceptive. And most of all, ready to move on.

There is no lesson, true, only refinement of things you already know, but may not be able to see right away.

Not that any of this helps someone who's there. But it does end. And you will see the door.

_________________

Destiny is a rhythm track on which we must improvise.

In some cases, firing the drummer helps.


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 8:36 pm
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Teremia,
I'm not sure about all this wall and door talk- or what its supposed to stand for..... but last year was rather traumatic for me. Bad thing after bad thing happened and it was very depressing. Before I'd have a chance to recover from the last thing, something new and traumatic would happen.

In the midst of all this storm, we caught a feral kitten and brought him home to live with us.
[ img ]
I, and the rest of my family focused on this new baby like there was nothing else in the world as important. We still got hit with _bad_thing_ after _bad_thing_ , but it didn't seem as important when we were focusing on that kitty.

[ img ]

:D:D

I learned NOT to add up all the bad things in my head, because it kind of fed itself. Counting up all the bad things was like hugging the memory of the trauma to myself and increased it's importance. Even now, I won't list out all the things that happened that year. Nobody died, even though it was awfully close on my son's appendicitis. One by one I had to let go of the specific emotions associated with the events. For instance in the case of my son's appendix, I had tremendous personal guilt over rejecting a CAT scan during our first ER visit. I thought the doctor was just wanting to do unnecessary tests, since I was sure my kid just had a case of the stomach flu. It was my fault that he went for 4 days with a burst appendix before we went back to the ER. :(

My son forgave me before even going into surgery. Forgiving myself was infinitely harder. Months afterwards, when I'd think back on that decision, my guts would clench up at the memory and my face would literally turn red. It was bad. The memory just wasn't fading like it should. Finally I started including self-forgiveness in a type of meditation I was doing. I'd think back about the incident, and FEEL that guilt and fear and other messy emotions again and literally think "I forgive you. You did what you did and it's over. You know better now. Let it go....." And I'd visualize putting those emotions into a pretty bubble and blowing it away, watching it float off into the distance.

The next time I was meditating I'd do the same thing, first probing the memory and seeing if it still bothered me. It did. So, I'd FEEL those emotions again, think about it again, and let them blow away. Each time, the intensity of the feelings was smaller. Finally its got to the point where I can now think about that incident without discomfort. I did what I did because of who I was then. I'm slightly different now. Older, maybe wiser. More careful of my kids' health, perhaps. Lesson learned, no need to beat myself up over it anymore.

You can't suppress such things and hope they go away, you have to feel them enough that you can learn from the experience. Hopefully you will come out of it wiser, even if you cannot see it at the time. Deliberately re-invoking the feelings while thinking about nothing else at all while meditating hastened the process, I think, without bottling anything up inside which I might otherwise have done and hurt my psyche (is that the right word?? ).

I did this for whatever damaging emotion I felt with each _bad_thing_ that year. Some were easier than others. Guilt over the appendicitis decision was the worst. Through it all, we all focused a lot of love over our little kitty, who is now the best cat I've ever had. :)

[ img ]

Tom Bombadil, the most important thing that happened in 2004! :):):)


edit: CRAP! Those pics are WAY too big. I thought photobucket shrank them automatically! I'll fix them, but it'll take a little while. SORRY!.

edit 2: fixed, I think.

Last edited by MariaHobbit on Tue 15 Feb , 2005 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Axordil
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 8:45 pm
Not so deep as a well
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Sometimes all one needs is...

...oh this is bad...

a catalyst. :help:

_________________

Destiny is a rhythm track on which we must improvise.

In some cases, firing the drummer helps.


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 9:12 pm
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AX!
:rofl:
:D:D
Good one!

True, too, kinda...... :scratch

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enchantress
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 9:18 pm
Sorcery in Action
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I didnt have time to read all the new replies yet (will be back) but Im so glad to see this thread get more attention... deserves it :)

Just wanted to say, in regards to Ax's belief that meditation can change the brain, that its true. Meditation leads to changes in brain function and the electro-magnetic wave patterns of the brain.

Psychotherapy has also proven to lead to changes in brain function and morphology. Can work just as well as SSRIs for some people... with changes visible on medical imaging.

Just wanted to put in my geeky bit so that my psychology training has the semblance of being applicable to stuff ;)

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Falling into Autumn... :)


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Axordil
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 9:40 pm
Not so deep as a well
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All true, enchie. The one advantage of SSRIs is that they're cheap and easy. Psychotherapy is harder and harder to get covered by insurance down here in the Benighted States of America...and meditation takes time to master, unless you are a Zen Goddess like maria...;)

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Destiny is a rhythm track on which we must improvise.

In some cases, firing the drummer helps.


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Tue 15 Feb , 2005 10:20 pm
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:neutral: Errr... well.... I've not studied Zen, yet. I'm just calling it meditation because that's what it resembles most in some of the reading I've done. It's a mishmash of stuff, really. Calling it meditation is a shortcut, really.
:oops:

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Axordil
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Posted: Thu 17 Feb , 2005 3:42 pm
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The truest Zen Godesses don't have to study. They simply are.

:scratch
:mrgreen:

spelling edit

_________________

Destiny is a rhythm track on which we must improvise.

In some cases, firing the drummer helps.


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Fri 18 Feb , 2005 8:39 pm
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*makes note to read up on Zen next*

Did my comments help anyone at all? Or was it just too weird? I didn't mean to belittle anyone's grief! The same thing happened when I posted a similar comment (though less detailed) on a thread in TORC. It pretty much killed the discussion, and I don't understand why. :(

Anyone care to enlighten me?


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Jnyusa
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Posted: Fri 18 Feb , 2005 11:02 pm
One of the Bronte Sisters
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It wasn't you, Maria! That was a great story.

For my part, I'm sitting over here pondering my sources of happines ... sores of happiness? .... something :blackeye

Jn

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"All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
Epigraph on the tombstone of W.C. Fields.


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Impenitent
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Posted: Sat 19 Feb , 2005 6:50 am
Try to stay perky
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Maria - no, indeed, it wasn't your story. I've just had my say, really, and am too engaged in pondering my own demons to come up with anything further that could possibly be of use.


...but sores of happiness sounds strangely apt.

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"Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~Robert C. Savage


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Mon 21 Feb , 2005 8:26 pm
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Thanks. Some of the stuff I think up is so weird, that I hestitate to even try to explain it any more, since half the time I botch it.

But it works! And it seems important to try an share it, so I do. But you should see the rolled eyes when I try to tell my kids about this kind of thing! Nowadays, when they are having troubles, I try to word my advice in the least metaphysical terms possible- so that there's at least a chance that they will derive some benefit from what I'm trying to show them.

'Sores of happiness'?????????? :scratch

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Impenitent
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Posted: Mon 21 Feb , 2005 9:24 pm
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Ihave no insight into what Jn meant by it, but I thought it was apt because so often the source of happiness has a flip side and can be the source of pain/unhappiness - hence sores. :P

Jn's pun works for me.

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"Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~Robert C. Savage


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Northerner
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Posted: Thu 17 Mar , 2005 1:13 am
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I suppose it's bad, but I'm a bit relieved to see that other people struggle with the same things I do. I recently took up yoga practice with an instructor, and she brings up such things as detachment, and patiently explains, and it makes sense for an eyeblink, and then ... I lose it.

I've decided to think of the whole thing as a process and let it happen as it will. Usually. :D

Definitely agree that the mind has to be ready for meditation. I've tried to do it for years, but only since I've been taking an antidepressant have I had any success at all with it.

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vincent
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Posted: Fri 18 Mar , 2005 8:41 am
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On a completly random note I had a friend who once said "Psychotherapy is for people who don't have friends to get drunk with when shit happens"
Me I tend to be more of a self internal kinda guy, life sucks but you move on for when it doesn't suck, I've come to the belief a while ago that its not happiness that people seek but rather fulfillment, asking yourself why your not happy all the time will get a person depressed, rather I like to ask if I'm fulfilled. I believe a person can be in a horrible situation and still find fulfillment.

I read a book once about a guy who never could find happiness in any long term way, he spent his life seeking happiness only to never find it, then world war 1 broke out, and he was sent to the tenches, he finally found a sense of purpose, and fulfillment, was he happy no, but fulfilled.
The moral I took from it is simple, don't fear pain in life, though pain hurts it can also make you cherish life so much more. pain can make your triumphs so much more amazing.

I have serious arthritis, serious enough that I should be in a wheelchair for the pain, I've had it since I was old enough to remember, and it gets worse as I get older. In high school I took up backpacking, some of the most amazing points in my life were while I was literality on a mountain in so much pain I could barely walk. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything despite the pain. I wasn't happy, I was beyond happy, I don't know what it was fulfilled is the best way to describe it. I look back and wonder who I would be without my pain and I realize that it has changed me in a lot of good ways, would I give it up HECK YEAH! But I can also accept it as having a good influence on me. I can't honestly say I know much about depression, or other mental issues, my crucibles have always been of a more physical nature, but this is the way I see it, I think everyone is different and don't think there is a "right way" to deal with life that will fit everyone, all I can do I say "hey this is what I think" maybe it will help maybe it won't, i'm no smarty with all the right answers just some random guy, with some random thoughts.

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Impenitent
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Posted: Fri 18 Mar , 2005 11:44 am
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Vincent, I recall discussing happiness and fulfilment a bit ago with you and at the time it helped me to find an alternative perspective to my own at a time when I was very myopic about my unhappiness.

This time, also, your thoughts have helped me. It seems every time I get your input on this another stone is lifted for me. :) Only a few more to go, I think, before I feel free of it.

On a parallel note, I recall reading elsewhere that pain can be a great teacher; strict, severe but the lessons learned are nonetheless more profound than those taught by more enjoyable experiences.

EDIT:

I remember where I read that: What Katy Did :oops: See? Some kids books can be very profound.

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"Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not;
and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~Robert C. Savage


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