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Men should stay out of the birthing room

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vison
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Posted: Sat 19 Apr , 2008 4:22 am
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Meril36 wrote:
Separate bedrooms and fifteen kids? Wow.
Yeah. Makes you think, eh?

Musta bin a path worn down the hallway.

Sadly, it was not a happy marriage. I could write a book.

Maybe I will.

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Wilma
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Posted: Sat 19 Apr , 2008 9:15 am
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I just watched TLC's A Baby Story thinking about this article. For those who don't know A Baby Story is a half hour show about parents about to give birth and they film the labour (no bottom half shots so you don't see anything traumatizing).

I can safely say women are very much alert and awake and when drugs are given, it's just to manage the pain so the mother can concentrate on labour. They still can feel contractions so they know when to push with an epidural. Sometimes the mother can even pull the baby out herself. They show all kinds of dfferent births but very rarely show complications. I watched 2 eps today and one wife had her baby with no drugs and a midwife in the hospital. She said if her husband wasn't there her experience would have been much more difficult. She was literally clutching him and screaming through the labour. They both agree that being together for the labour has made them closer (although I wonder if daddy's ears are still ringing).

The second couple the father was there but he was a bit in the background but he was in the room. Mommy was able to half pull the baby out (she had an epidural).The husband was there to make sure the baby was OK.

I have only once ever seen a husband seem skittish in an episode of A Baby Story. They had a home birth with no drugs, a tub and midwife. The husband actually started crying since he was seeing his wife in so much pain and he couln't help. That is why even if I didn't want an epidural, if the father was in the room I would do it for him.

For me I would want a hospital birth just in case of any complications (labour and birth seem traumatizing already). I would want the father in the room to advocate for me and the baby and make sure the doctors and nurses did everything properly.

I will admit hospitals and doctors do like to make things easier for themselves. My younger sister was a scheduled cesarian because the doctor was going on vacation. I knew someone who was 19 and she was forced to have an epidural against her will, they actually held her down. She ended up temporarily paralyzed form the waist down. Becuase of cases like that I would want to the father there to stop that kind of stupidness.

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Axordil
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Posted: Sat 19 Apr , 2008 2:36 pm
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That is why even if I didn't want an epidural, if the father was in the room I would do it for him.
That's the crux of it: when the mom starts doing things not for herself or the baby, but for the dad, because she wants him to be there...for herself and the baby.

:scratch:

There's no right or wrong answer, only what families are comfortable with.

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Wilma
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Posted: Sat 19 Apr , 2008 7:45 pm
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Knowing myself though I would probabaly be begging for an epidural when the first contraction hit regardless of who was in the room. *giggle*

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The Watcher
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Posted: Sat 19 Apr , 2008 7:55 pm
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Wilma wrote:
Knowing myself though I would probabaly be begging for an epidural when the first contraction hit regardless of who was in the room. *giggle*
That is if they can even offer them to you-

Never had one, a problem with having all three kids somewhat or the other "induced." They did always give me sedatives, which did zip for much of anything. :P

Oh, and I do want to make one comment about the "blood clot police nazis" that are out there. I remember telling the nurses after Andrew was born that I would NOT be able to get out of bed, I mean, TELLING them this, but they insisted, and of course I collapsed onto the floor, IV and all. Actually, it was rather funny at the time, the nurses DID acknowledge that maybe I needed more rest...

I guess I should edit this to add that I seem to be a "bleeder" so I always got pitosin IVs even after the babies were born, such a pleasant experience. NOT!!


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MariaHobbit
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 1:53 pm
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Rodia wrote:
Seems like everyone wants their mum there, and it's not like we're estranged or something but really, out of all the typical choices she's the last person I would want there.
I wouldn't want my mother at the actual birth, but mothers and mother-in-laws are very, very useful to have around during the second or third babies, just to baby sit the first one(s)! I had my first child when we lived in Germany, and did not have anyone to baby sit when I became pregnant with the second. My mother came over to stay with us about a week before I had the second baby, so she was able to take care of my daughter when we went to the hospital for my son's birth. We were back in the US for the birth of daughter #2, and my mother in law lived only 2 hours away, so we were able to call her when my labour started, and waited at home until she got there to watch the two little ones. She was amazed at how calm I was. :LMAO: I knew it would be a while, there was no hurry!

I never did use baby sitters much, relatives or no.

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Dave_LF
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 10:57 pm
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Berhael wrote:
I believe that fathers should be present in the birth of their child if they're interested in their children at all. It's a huge emotional thing and I can't imagine how any father could have a complete relationship with their child without having witnessed their birth. :scratch:
What an odd thing to say. :scratch: So if your wife goes into labor early and you can't get to the hospital in time; that's it? You can never have "a complete relationship" with your child?


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Berhael
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 11:06 pm
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Labour is rarely that quick. ;) And yes, I honestly don't think that anyone can have a full relationship their children without having witnessed their birth. You can love them unconditionally, you can be the best father, but if you weren't there at the birth, you will have missed something very important for YOU as a father. The baby couldn't care less, of course.

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Dave_LF
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 11:11 pm
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That sounds awfully close to magical thinking to me. I'm of the opinion that it's the things a man does after his children are born that determine if he's good father or not; not whether he's physically present at the moment of birth.


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Berhael
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 11:19 pm
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You're still not understanding what I mean. It has no bearing on the child whatsoever (that would be magical thinking), but it's a very intense and important experience for the father. If a father misses his child's birth by accident, but is involved in all other aspects, he can be a wonderful parent, of course. But he will still have missed his child being born. Does it matter? I think so. That's my opinion and others are perfectly entitled to disagree. :)

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Dave_LF
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Posted: Mon 21 Apr , 2008 11:28 pm
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Just in case you don't know (and you probably don't, unless you've been very thorough about reading b77 posts), this isn't an academic question for me since my wife is currently about 3 moths pregnant for our first. If she wants or needs me there I will be, but for my part, standing there watching her suffer and envisioning all the things that could go wrong while knowing I can't do anything about it would be incredibly traumatic (I concur that the "watching her give birth ruins the mystery of sex" line of reasoning is a bunch of BS). I'm a big boy and I'd get over it, but if it's true that my presence would only be a hindrance to her on top of everything else, I'll be perfectly content to wait in the lobby.


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Berhael
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Posted: Tue 22 Apr , 2008 7:41 am
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Dave_LF wrote:
Just in case you don't know (and you probably don't, unless you've been very thorough about reading b77 posts), this isn't an academic question for me since my wife is currently about 3 moths pregnant for our first. If she wants or needs me there I will be, but for my part, standing there watching her suffer and envisioning all the things that could go wrong while knowing I can't do anything about it would be incredibly traumatic (I concur that the "watching her give birth ruins the mystery of sex" line of reasoning is a bunch of BS). I'm a big boy and I'd get over it, but if it's true that my presence would only be a hindrance to her on top of everything else, I'll be perfectly content to wait in the lobby.
No, I didn't know, congratulations! :) And the reason I haven't been paying too much attention is that I had a baby 5 months ago, so I barely have time to read. You'll know what I mean in six months' time. ;)

You have a point with "standing there watching her suffer and envisioning all the things that could go wrong while knowing I can't do anything about it would be incredibly traumatic". My husband says it was very hard.

But wouldn't it be much more traumatic not being in the room, hearing her scream and not knowing what is going on? Dan was able to reassure me and also help me in a practical manner, and if I had gone on to have a vaginal delivery, he would have been even more hands-on; as it was, he changed into surgical scrubs while they got me into theatre, and the minutes he was on his own were pretty scary, he says.

I think the matter of whether the father is a help or a hindrance in the delivery room depends on the woman... Ro says she wouldn't want anyone there, that's the way she deals with pain and stress, so for her it would be a hindrance. For me... well, it was traumatic. Horrendous. But I coped because he was there by my side (and because of the wonderful drugs ;) ). If for whatever reason he hadn't been present I would have been much more frightened. Also, they say that undergoing trauma together brings people even closer together... ;) I know that I admire him even more for having stuck with me, despite it being scary, and he says he's full of a new-found respect for women in general and me in particular, after witnessing what we go through.

Maybe the answer is to give the father some drugs too. :D

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"The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born [...] Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life."


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Nin
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Posted: Tue 22 Apr , 2008 8:10 am
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My husband was present at both of the births of my sons. And if in the first case his presence was a great help and highly necessary, in the second, everything went so quickly it was not necessary to have him around - but I wanted it very badly.

Despite everything happening later, during birth, especially the first time when it was hard and painful and finally needed forceps, he was a great help. There was someone I could yell at and someone who could help me. It was traumatic, yes, but what was far more traumatic was my son's serious illness a few days later. I don't know if without this illness I would have been traumatized by this difficult delivery - but this way, by fearing just a few days later that your baby would actually die - there was no time for my trauma.

I could have delivered my second child at home - and I gave this second birth almost wihtout any medication. But after having seen my first born so sick and so close to death I wanted to be in hospital, where he would be taken care of if necessary. I wanted to lie down and sleep more or less the nights through - I had a not yet two year old at home wo was not sleeping through... and the pediatric told me to give bottle to the elder in the night beause he was so underweight and still under antibiotics. I just wanted a few nights without having to get up during the night for two babies. And I had not planned to give birth naturally, it was no ideology ( I wanted an epidural) - it's just that things went too quickly.

During both labours, actually, I spend several hours alone - roughly between midnight, when my water broke and six a.m when they brought me to the delivery room where my husband joined me. So, for ahuge part of the contractions, I was alone. Not so much wanted too, but I thought that they were still bearable, so did not dare to call for help or just company.

At the time, I was very happy to have my husband around at the births. But it did not create a deep bondage in the end, neither between him and the boys nor between me and him to have been together through such pain.

Oh, and on a completey different scale:
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Being put off sex?? FFS. I bet those are the same men who are put off practicing oral sex because they think women's bits are "a bit icky".
Definately yes.

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