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Translation advice needed

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aulini
Post subject: Translation advice needed
Posted: Sun 05 Oct , 2008 9:21 pm
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Location: Göteborg, Sweden
 
I'm translating the lyrics of some Swedish songs to English. Here's my take on the chorus of one of the songs:

Can you hear it, can you hear it, can you hear it too?
This goes out to you
Can you hear it, can you hear it, can you hear it too?
All we said, all we did
Became a song for you

My question to native English speakers out there is, is it possible to use "This goes out to you" if you are not into hip-hop/R'n'B, and you are more than 30 years old? Or does it sound corny?

Thanks in advance

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LalaithUrwen
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Mon 06 Oct , 2008 2:47 am
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It doesn't sound corny to me, and I am over 30. ;) I think it works.


Lali

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aulini
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Mon 06 Oct , 2008 5:45 am
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Location: Göteborg, Sweden
 
Thanks!
It's just that when I googled around, I only seemed to find it used in hip-hop lyrics :)

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Nienor SharkAttack
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Mon 06 Oct , 2008 9:51 am
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Location: Norway
 
Can you post it in the original Swedish version too? (Among neighbours, ya know. ;))

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aulini
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Mon 06 Oct , 2008 8:15 pm
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Location: Göteborg, Sweden
 
Oh, hi there Norweigan neighbor! Are you familiar with the Swedish band kent? The lyrics I asked about are from their song Sundance Kid.

Original:
Quote:
Det var en gång för så länge sen
Du och jag slogs mot dumheten
Vi följdes åt till våra drömmars stad
Vind i håret och vår sikt låg klar

Vi visste allt pojkars övermod
Ett farligt vapen var vår blinda tro
Det var en gång i ett annat liv
Ett annat dom mot ett annat vi och jag

Hör du mig
Hör du mig
Kan du höra mig
Hör du mig
Hör du mig
Allt det här är för dig
Hör du mig
Hör du mig
Kan du höra mig
Allt vi sagt allt vi gjort
Blev en sång för dig

Ambitionen var ett långsamt gift
Du höll ut länge men du föll till sist
Och jag den svage jag står ensam kvar
En sista rest av en utdöd art

Hör du mig...

Ammunition tog slut till sist
Nu kan ni kalla mig the Sundance Kid
Den fria viljan var vår tonårsdröm
Men vi är bara instinkt bara djur och allt är lögn

Hör du mig...
My translation:
Quote:
I still remember when you and me
Waged a war against stupidity
Shoulder to shoulder on a sun-lit road
Luck comes to those who are young and bold

Two boys in arms, two prophets on the run
Our great presumption like a loaded gun
Now there are other friends and other foes
But I have never had a friend that close

Can you hear (it), can you hear (it), can you hear it too?
[Can you hear (it), can you hear (it)]
This goes out to you
Can you hear (it), can you hear (it), can you hear it too?
All we said, all we did
Became a song for you

Our ambition was a poisoned well
You lasted long but in the end you fell
And I was left with nowhere to hide
Last of a species, an orphaned child

Can you hear (it), can you hear (it)…

You didn’t give out but your ammo did
I failed, and you can call me Sundance Kid
We used to dream that our will was free
But just as they are hypocrites and animals, so are we

Can you hear (it), can you hear (it)…

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Nienor SharkAttack
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Mon 06 Oct , 2008 9:53 pm
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Seeing the original lyrics, I must say you've done an excellent job! Those are great! I especially think that you maintain a good balance between staying true to the original text and not following it so literally as to ruin the lyrical qualities of the translation. Really well done!

And yes, I've heard my share of Kent on the radio. ;)

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aulini
Post subject: Re: Translation advice needed
Posted: Tue 07 Oct , 2008 6:24 am
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Location: Göteborg, Sweden
 
Thanks :)

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