*E*, I don't want to pretend that I can know exactly what you're dealing with right now, and have dealt with in the past, because I obviously don't. But a lot of the things that you mentioned in your post I found myself nodding at. Especially about the second paragraph, because I posted some of the exact same feelings just days ago, as you know. I've been thinking about it since I made that post, and I've realized that I just don't fucking care if people look down upon me because of my posts.
I really, really hope that you do, or will, feel the same way. Serious and deep conversation is wonderful, and you contribute to so much of that, but why the hell should it have to be like that all the time? I don't think there's been anyone who has worked as tirelessly as you and Cem to keep the board floating, and it has not gone unnoticed by the majority of us. I love having you around, and you are one of the most wonderful assets that this board has. If you do need to take some time off, I will sorely miss you.
But I understand the need to take a little break. I think that many of the issues that plague those of us on the boards come from RL, and in order to straighten those out, it's necessary to focus on RL and RL alone for a few days or weeks. I hope that it doesn't take you that long, but I want to know that
you are happy, or at least on the road to happiness and contentment, and for however long it takes I'll be there. I definitely haven't talked to you as much as I'd like on IM and such because I'm another one of those people who has real trouble IMing anyone.
But next time I see you there I'll tag you, and feel free to steer the conversation any way that helps you.
I can't think of much advice to give you, and I'm afraid that it would be the pot calling the kettle black in my case anyway. I think that Eru is right when she says that getting a job might help some, because as you well know being busy can help keep your mind off of the empty pain. Another thing that helps me is to volunteer somewhere. Even if you don't have the time or ability to do that, the littlest donations can help. Hell, I gave blood today and felt better about myself.
But I know that depression and despair is not very conducive to motivation. I'm so glad to hear that you've been trying to change little things about how you live in the hopes of feeling better, and I know that soon you will find something that
does help. You're not destined to slog through life without hope, because no one is. It just takes some time to fully realize that, I think, and lord knows I haven't yet. I consider it a work in progress.
Now I've gone on blathering about relatively little, so here's the important part. We love you.
If you need to talk to a real human voice, my cell is always on. I might not answer it right away but if I see that you called then I will call you back! PM me if you don't have my number.