If I had any willpower at all, I'd have stayed away from the boards completely and for a lot longer. But I don't, so here we go.
Dramatic as it may have sounded, my post last week was not spur-of-the-moment. Things were starting to take a turn before then, and just as I waited until it seemed clear to start this thread for happy reasons, I waited until it was pretty clear that the shite had hit the fan to report as much. I feel a bit numb to it all right now, and don't really care about anything, but wanted to speak up instead of doing a hit and run like that.
It pains me to be such a hypocrite, since being open and honest are probably the most important things in my life, but I just can't talk about the issues that bothered me most. Perhaps one day, but it's too sore a spot right now, so I need to hold it close.
A lot of it had to do with certain attitudes I picked up around all the boards. It's like a bubble bursting. You're running around having fun and suddenly find out people don't like you doing that. On the one hand, you want to laugh at them for being a stick in the mud, but on the other hand, you love and respect them, so how wise is it to completely disregard their opinions just because it's on the negative side? How does it work that you know what your flaws are, but if someone else points them out, it stings like a bitch? I've never pretended to be the most thought-provoking poster here, and frankly I don't have the energy to write in the manner that I'd like to, but to be broken down and summed up as a spammer or other such terms and descriptions that tell me I'm not good enough, well damn. I didn't buy the server just so that we could swear - I don't believe in censorship and refused to let it happen to b77. There are chatty threads here, but I see no lack of them on HoF or ToB. Usually, I would save a lot of that for PMs and instant messenger, but nobody's online anymore, so I use the boards to keep in touch with people. It just never seems good enough. People are always whining about something. I was able to let it roll off my back for a while, but now it's just pissing me off again. My issue, I know, but it was a source of frustration all the same.
For some strange reason, things got really tough after I finished the Gathering report. The very next day, I broke down crying in the middle of the night and couldn't stop for a half hour. Ridiculous as it sounds, I was listening to a song that reminded me of some bad things I'd done in the past, and it all sort of hit me at once. My failures, that is. I guess when something is meant to happen, anything can trigger it. I haven't been able to hold my head up high since then, but the last week has been somewhat better. Some posters (as well as my mom, of all people) allowed me the time to vent, which helped stave off a nervous breakdown.
What really scared me was knowing what I could be going back to. I've struggled with depression for nine years, and learned a lot about myself, but also about how people react to folks like me. They like to sweep it under the rug and ignore you until you're "normal" again. Sometimes it makes me bitter to realize that unless you're extremely lucky, you truly have to help yourself out of it because most others don't even feel like lifting a finger for ya. I love how confidence is attractive, but we're wired to feel confident in the approval of others, which doesn't often come until we're confident. I mean, fuck off.
Without even knowing it, I was trying so hard not to fall into that pit again. I played all the old tricks, plus several new ones. I went hiking every day, played happy Disney movies, looked through old moot photos, listened to a
lot of good music, I went to the cinema a few times a week, I visited my dad in Fredericton, I called people or let them call me, and even dressed up on one occasion. Nothing helped. So I freaked out a little bit. I didn't want to go back because it meant feeling unimportant again. A burden on everyone else's sensibilities. Petty though it is, I realized that nobody on the Hall of Fire ever said anything to me, which sort of confirmed my situation: yep, not good enough. Don't read into that, I'm just saying it's how I felt. Couldn't figure out why people said they "liked" me at board77 when no one really gave a shit at the other boards or in real life. I know you can convince yourself of anything when you're down, but something doesn't add up there. I intend to ignore it, but it does come back to me now and then. Sorry.
For the most part, I know you guys aren't like this, so the following isn't necessarily applicable, but I'll say it just in case: please don't avoid me just because I'm having trouble lately. I don't think I've ever been one of those people who lash out when they're having a bad day, but who knows what's what.
I'll continue fighting this, but don't treat me like I've got the plague when it's not going so well. I hate that. Sometimes it feels like the old days when adulterers had a big red "A" sewn onto their clothes, except that those of us with depression have a "D" and it gets you a similar amount of scorn and isolation. A friend of mine once told me I should never date someone who also had depression because we'd just make each other miserable. I actually thought we'd find relief in knowing that someone else could relate. But what do I know?
I've been weepy lately too
Sorry to hear that, TM.
Getting to see you again in SF was one of the few things keeping me going. I hope you'll see more of Toronto *E* and less of Florida *E*!
Nobody is going to ban you
I can't impose a self-ban but I needed some time away from the site. Working on it. We'll see if quality over quantity is possible.
Did something in particular happen, E? I know you were upset that you didn't have much money for SF. Did anything else happen?
Thank you for asking, yov.
A few things, yes, but I'm trying to talk myself through it and get back to where I was a couple months ago. SF was starting to feel like duty more than pleasure, which is completely unfair to the many people I
really want to hang out with. Have developed a "fuck it all" attitude that I think will get me through the day. Not sure if that's a step forward, but I feel less stressed.
MaidenOfTheShieldarm wrote: |
You will come to SF and room with me and Ethel and Eru and NL and Wampus and possibly someone else, I forget, and it will be the best hotel suite group thingy ever and we will all have a BRILLIANT time, and if you don't have a brilliant time (which you will), then I will sit around and be depressed with you and make tea.
Hm. That's the sort of acceptance that I always wish for and still can't fathom when it happens. Thanks so much, Rach.
:love:
Muchos love to Eru, cem, and Elsha as well.
Ro, you are not a jackass. I got a fabulous hobbit drawing from you the year before. Besides, you know damn well how easy to please I am. PMs, e-mails, packages in the mail... it's all wonderful.
Just an update in case I don't have the chance to say much between now and the SF moot. Or my parents kill me when they find out I'm going!
*E*