board77

*E*, it breaks my heart to hear you talk like that. If you hadn't been so warm and amazing and easy to talk to at the Gathering, I probably wouldn't have loved it half as much as I did. I can understand the basic gist of your feelings, though, and I know that once you get in a pit like that it's incredibly hard to pull yourself out of it, regardless of the opinions and words of others.

*E*, you better be there in SF because otherwise I'll have to take that Secret Santa stuff I never sent you (because I'm an unreliable jackass) all the way back across the ocean.


Seriously though, you know this is gloomtalk, and nowhere near the truth. We love you.

Ooh Ro I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who hasn't sent their Secret Santa stuff yet. Well, in my case re-sent since it came back to me the first time.

You're still tons better than me, you SENT yours once...

If I had any willpower at all, I'd have stayed away from the boards completely and for a lot longer. But I don't, so here we go.

Dramatic as it may have sounded, my post last week was not spur-of-the-moment. Things were starting to take a turn before then, and just as I waited until it seemed clear to start this thread for happy reasons, I waited until it was pretty clear that the shite had hit the fan to report as much. I feel a bit numb to it all right now, and don't really care about anything, but wanted to speak up instead of doing a hit and run like that.

It pains me to be such a hypocrite, since being open and honest are probably the most important things in my life, but I just can't talk about the issues that bothered me most. Perhaps one day, but it's too sore a spot right now, so I need to hold it close.

A lot of it had to do with certain attitudes I picked up around all the boards. It's like a bubble bursting. You're running around having fun and suddenly find out people don't like you doing that. On the one hand, you want to laugh at them for being a stick in the mud, but on the other hand, you love and respect them, so how wise is it to completely disregard their opinions just because it's on the negative side? How does it work that you know what your flaws are, but if someone else points them out, it stings like a bitch? I've never pretended to be the most thought-provoking poster here, and frankly I don't have the energy to write in the manner that I'd like to, but to be broken down and summed up as a spammer or other such terms and descriptions that tell me I'm not good enough, well damn. I didn't buy the server just so that we could swear - I don't believe in censorship and refused to let it happen to b77. There are chatty threads here, but I see no lack of them on HoF or ToB. Usually, I would save a lot of that for PMs and instant messenger, but nobody's online anymore, so I use the boards to keep in touch with people. It just never seems good enough. People are always whining about something. I was able to let it roll off my back for a while, but now it's just pissing me off again. My issue, I know, but it was a source of frustration all the same.

For some strange reason, things got really tough after I finished the Gathering report. The very next day, I broke down crying in the middle of the night and couldn't stop for a half hour. Ridiculous as it sounds, I was listening to a song that reminded me of some bad things I'd done in the past, and it all sort of hit me at once. My failures, that is. I guess when something is meant to happen, anything can trigger it. I haven't been able to hold my head up high since then, but the last week has been somewhat better. Some posters (as well as my mom, of all people) allowed me the time to vent, which helped stave off a nervous breakdown.

What really scared me was knowing what I could be going back to. I've struggled with depression for nine years, and learned a lot about myself, but also about how people react to folks like me. They like to sweep it under the rug and ignore you until you're "normal" again. Sometimes it makes me bitter to realize that unless you're extremely lucky, you truly have to help yourself out of it because most others don't even feel like lifting a finger for ya. I love how confidence is attractive, but we're wired to feel confident in the approval of others, which doesn't often come until we're confident. I mean, fuck off.

Without even knowing it, I was trying so hard not to fall into that pit again. I played all the old tricks, plus several new ones. I went hiking every day, played happy Disney movies, looked through old moot photos, listened to a lot of good music, I went to the cinema a few times a week, I visited my dad in Fredericton, I called people or let them call me, and even dressed up on one occasion. Nothing helped. So I freaked out a little bit. I didn't want to go back because it meant feeling unimportant again. A burden on everyone else's sensibilities. Petty though it is, I realized that nobody on the Hall of Fire ever said anything to me, which sort of confirmed my situation: yep, not good enough. Don't read into that, I'm just saying it's how I felt. Couldn't figure out why people said they "liked" me at board77 when no one really gave a shit at the other boards or in real life. I know you can convince yourself of anything when you're down, but something doesn't add up there. I intend to ignore it, but it does come back to me now and then. Sorry.

For the most part, I know you guys aren't like this, so the following isn't necessarily applicable, but I'll say it just in case: please don't avoid me just because I'm having trouble lately. I don't think I've ever been one of those people who lash out when they're having a bad day, but who knows what's what. I'll continue fighting this, but don't treat me like I've got the plague when it's not going so well. I hate that. Sometimes it feels like the old days when adulterers had a big red "A" sewn onto their clothes, except that those of us with depression have a "D" and it gets you a similar amount of scorn and isolation. A friend of mine once told me I should never date someone who also had depression because we'd just make each other miserable. I actually thought we'd find relief in knowing that someone else could relate. But what do I know?

TheMary wrote:

I've been weepy lately too

Sorry to hear that, TM. Getting to see you again in SF was one of the few things keeping me going. I hope you'll see more of Toronto *E* and less of Florida *E*!

Holbytla wrote:

Nobody is going to ban you

I can't impose a self-ban but I needed some time away from the site. Working on it. We'll see if quality over quantity is possible.

yovargas wrote:

Did something in particular happen, E? I know you were upset that you didn't have much money for SF. Did anything else happen?

Thank you for asking, yov. A few things, yes, but I'm trying to talk myself through it and get back to where I was a couple months ago. SF was starting to feel like duty more than pleasure, which is completely unfair to the many people I really want to hang out with. Have developed a "fuck it all" attitude that I think will get me through the day. Not sure if that's a step forward, but I feel less stressed.

MaidenOfTheShieldarm wrote:

You will come to SF and room with me and Ethel and Eru and NL and Wampus and possibly someone else, I forget, and it will be the best hotel suite group thingy ever and we will all have a BRILLIANT time, and if you don't have a brilliant time (which you will), then I will sit around and be depressed with you and make tea.

Hm. That's the sort of acceptance that I always wish for and still can't fathom when it happens. Thanks so much, Rach. :love:

Muchos love to Eru, cem, and Elsha as well.

Ro, you are not a jackass. I got a fabulous hobbit drawing from you the year before. Besides, you know damn well how easy to please I am. PMs, e-mails, packages in the mail... it's all wonderful.




Just an update in case I don't have the chance to say much between now and the SF moot. Or my parents kill me when they find out I'm going!




*E*

*E*V*E*N*S*T*A*R* wrote:

If I had any willpower at all, I'd have stayed away from the boards completely and for a lot longer.

For entirely selfish reasons, I'm glad you didn't.

*E*V*E*N*S*T*A*R* wrote:

A lot of it had to do with certain attitudes I picked up around all the boards. It's like a bubble bursting. You're running around having fun and suddenly find out people don't like you doing that.

Okay, seriously, for the last few weeks I've heard a few people hint at stuff like this. What the fuck is going on? I'm sick of hearing people feeling like they're being judged for not living up to some arbitrary standard of posting. FUCK. THAT. The people who frequent here do so because they like the other people that frequent here. That means YOU, *E*, along with all the other so-called spammers. Are we supposed to apologize for liking laughter and joking and silliness more then others? Are we supposed to feel bad because these things are valuable to us?? FUCK. THAT. ARGH, this pisses me off....I should stop now...

I don't have time to read your post until I get home from work *E* but I second yov's question. There's another person who says they have been getting dumped on here at b77...though only once in public and more through PMs and IMs...and that supposedly the people who helped b77 not to be a free, censored board have been getting ridiculed.

I'm, really, really, really confused by all this.

First I've heard of all this too...

Whut?

Anyone hurts my *E*, I come down like TON OF HEAVY THINGS.
I guess light ones would be okay though...

Could it be that certain people don't realize they are coming off as stuffy? I know the board cycles where there's a lot of spam and then someone gets pissy, but I'm concerned about this recent (or not so recent) development.

It concerns me that people are getting dumped on at all I want names dammit! I'm a Ranger and while that might not mean anything to some of you it still means I can help those who are being harrassed.

Please if you are being dumped on it's NOT alright, PM me.

I can't wait to see you SF *E*, Florida *E* Gathering *E* it doesn't matter to me all *E* is good *E* to me .

This is the first I've heard of all this too, and it saddens me that *E* and other people are feeling like crap because of what's going on (and I'd like to know what was going through the minds of the people who criticised them - why??); but I also feel bad for not being around more. Sorry guys, but my life sucks right now and I'm not good company, in the little time that I can spare.

*E*, I feel I don't know you super well. But if you have noted my posting much at all since the TORC days you know that I have really really gone over to more spammy stuff myself. Please don't let anyone critize you if they don't think you post to their snobbish standards. You are a cool person and will be missed if you stay away. You certainly add a sense of community here by your friendly participation. Though I do understand if you need to take a break for a time. But we care about you here and want you to come back when you can.

Lots of Love, REL

Okay, I finally have the time to focus on this properly.

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What really scared me was knowing what I could be going back to.

I had wanted to say something whenever you were talking about how you were feeling so great, but I didn't want to bring you down. I wanted to warn you that depression isn't istantly solved. It's a slow progress of getting better and there are hills and valleys. I was worried that you were feeling like a lot of the stuff was over...but without professional help and some serious hard work, it's not that likely. You shouldn't expect yourself to be fine right now as you've not seriously worked on dealing with your depression. That should probably be one of your key priorities right now. Seek out a good counsellor. If you get assigned to a crappy one, get another one.

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I've struggled with depression for nine years, and learned a lot about myself, but also about how people react to folks like me. They like to sweep it under the rug and ignore you until you're "normal" again.

Okay, here's some of the tougher stuff. People have not done that to you. Every time you have made a post where you self deprecate yourself, there is an outpouring of love...people telling you how awesome you are and how much they like you. They most certainly do not ignore you and wait until you're "normal" again.

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Sometimes it makes me bitter to realize that unless you're extremely lucky, you truly have to help yourself out of it because most others don't even feel like lifting a finger for ya. I love how confidence is attractive, but we're wired to feel confident in the approval of others, which doesn't often come until we're confident.

You cannot rely on others to make you happy. There's no ifs, ands or buts about this. Only you can make you happy. People could be all over you like giddy puppy dogs 24-7 and you'd still find a way to be unhappy because of the depression. I know it's easier when people lift you up (which people do do for you...it's not that fair for you to say people won't lift a finger for you. That's just not true and I think you rationally know this) as I have to deal with this too. It's nicer when people console you. But this won't get you anywhere because they can't make you truly happy. You have to find happiness in yourself. I know this is difficult...a counsellor could help you on the road to discovering this.

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Without even knowing it, I was trying so hard not to fall into that pit again. I played all the old tricks, plus several new ones. I went hiking every day, played happy Disney movies, looked through old moot photos, listened to a lot of good music, I went to the cinema a few times a week, I visited my dad in Fredericton, I called people or let them call me, and even dressed up on one occasion.

These are kind of secondary priorities. Right now your first priorities should be to get a job and to get into a community college or something like that so you can start working toward getting your college degree. These two things will help you so much more in the long run. I speak from experience. I didn't work for a year and nothing ever got much better. I'm feeling better now that I have a job. I'm earning money which is great, plus I'm getting out which is probably the most helpful. The time has come for you to stop talking about getting a job and actually go out and get a job. You just have to do it no matter how much you don't want to. It will be hard, I know. But I see you saying how you need to get to replying to some threads or getting some movies watched...these need to be your secondary priorities. Those are things you can do after you've done a day of work. I can't help but be concerned about your future. With no degree, getting a good-paying job will be fairly difficult. Without a good paying job, how will you support yourself...get out of your mom's house, get your own place and be independent? Anyway, working and working towards a degree will do more for you - physically and mentally. I really hope to see this happen for you soon.

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Petty though it is, I realized that nobody on the Hall of Fire ever said anything to me

Well that's false. I'm 99.9% certain I've seen people say how much they like you and are looking forward to meeting you at HoF. You've definately gotten responses there as well. This is the depression talking. Don't let it lie to you.

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For the most part, I know you guys aren't like this, so the following isn't necessarily applicable, but I'll say it just in case: please don't avoid me just because I'm having trouble lately. <snip> I'll continue fighting this, but don't treat me like I've got the plague when it's not going so well. I hate that.

Have you ever considered that you are the one who is doing the avoiding? Because I see that. I see you withdraw and not respond to people after you've made a big post. I really don't think that previous statement is very fair to your friends at all. They have been there for you...every time. Go find one time when you've let people know how you are feeling that they've totally ignored you? I don't think you can. They respond with lots of caring and generally you don't respond or you may respond a week or so later. I don't say this to be mean or make you feel worse. That is not my intention at all. I'm trying to get you to look at this in a different way.

You also cannot expect people to read your mind. Sometimes people don't know how bad you're feeling. And sometimes maybe they are feeling bad and they barely have enough energy to support themselves. I know I feel like that a lot.

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Sometimes it feels like the old days when adulterers had a big red "A" sewn onto their clothes, except that those of us with depression have a "D" and it gets you a similar amount of scorn and isolation.

Uh, people have been extremely supportive towards those who suffer from depression...mostly because the majority of us posting at these boards deal with depression. I'm sorry, but I don't see anyone treating you with scorn because you suffer from depression. Again, this is the depression telling you lies. Don't believe it.

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A friend of mine once told me I should never date someone who also had depression because we'd just make each other miserable. I actually thought we'd find relief in knowing that someone else could relate. But what do I know?

Well, I can speak from direct experience about this. You both have a point. In a way it's good because you can each be sympathetic to the other. But, and this is a big but, you will both crave extra attention. You won't want to have to ask for attention...you'll want the other person to come to you and help you feel better...but they'll be wanting the same thing and aren't in the right place to help boost you up because they need boosting up from you...and that exacerbates the situation. It is tough.

Anyway, again my intention wasn't to be mean to you in all of this...but some things just needed to be said. Please try to take them in a positive manner because I'm truly trying to help you. Think of it as tough love.

I agree with a lot of the things Eru has said. Some I don't have any knowledge of, but of those I do, I agree.
It appears from some of your posts that you are kind of rubbed raw at this point and everything is going to grate on you. Sure there are plenty of injustices in this world, but they appear ever so much bigger in bad times. We make things of situations were none exist. We all do.
The little wheels in our heads start spinning and things start snowballing.
When I am upset by something, the last place I need to be is alone with my thoughts. I can make a nuclear war out of a pebble grazing my skin, when I have the chance to be alone with myself.
You know the bottom line is that you are pretty well liked around here, and you need to make it easier for people to interact with you.
I know coming out of the shell is dangerous and painful, but you are so much better off. So are we.

Good post, Eru, but I think that she wasn't just talking about the boards in that post but also about some RL people. My impression is that her RL family and friends haven't been there for her a lot of times. If that's the case, it's really difficult but, yes, it is *E* who is ultimately going to have to work to change that by changing her surroundings.

Eru wrote:

These two things will help you so much more in the long run. I speak from experience. I didn't work for a year and nothing ever got much better. I'm feeling better now that I have a job. I'm earning money which is great, plus I'm getting out which is probably the most helpful.

I'm really glad to hear this. I'd noticed you seemed to be in a better mood and I'd wondered why.

Don't let the HoF bug ya I feel the same way over there, but I've been assured by a wonderful woman over there that they aren't ignorning me so if they aren't ignorning me then there is now way they are intentionally ignoring you.

Another subscriber, and living example, of the "work is good" theory here.

yov - I understand the real life thing to. I'm not close with any family at all. I've never gotten along that well with my mom and dad and due to them being in fights with their brothers and sisters, I don't really know my extended family. I also don't have a single real life friend (well, unless you want to count people I've met online, but I only see them once or twice a year which sucks ass majorly!). I do have some people to chat with at work, but they aren't my friends and I can't look to them for support.

Yes, real life friends and family should be better about support. But still, even they can't make everything better. One has to do it for themselves.

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I'd noticed you seemed to be in a better mood and I'd wondered why.

Really? It doesn't seem like I'm in a better mood to me. I suppose I'm a lot less prone to intense sadness but mentally, I'm still not great. But not sitting around the house all day keeps me from brooding and also making money has alleviated stress. And for some strange reason, working has made it easier for me to take care of chores at home. It's really odd.

You want something done, ask a busy person.
A body in motion....


All of this shit is too familliar to me. I know it too well.
Haven't been there in quite a while and I never want to go back. Ever.

That's because you met me Holby You can't be sad around meeeeee or else we'll be the most miserble pair on the face of the earth