board77

The Last Homely Site on the Web

Filthy jokes

Post Reply   Page 1 of 2  [ 38 posts ]
Jump to page 1 2 »
Author Message
Berhael
Post subject: Filthy jokes
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 9:19 pm
Milk and kisses
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 4417
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 11:03 am
Location: lost in translation
 
Saw these on the Lush forum and thought some of you fellow filthy minded people might have a chuckle with them. :D


***


A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was £5".
The Grandmother says, "in my day we were just glad for the warm drink".


***


A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

***

A wee boy asks his mum "why am I black and you are white?"
"Don't even ask" she replies, "When i think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"


***


I bought some Olympic condoms yesterday, 3 in a packet and they're gold, silver and bronze coloured.
The cheeky fuckin' wife said "you can wear the silver one tonight" and I asked "why?", "Because it'll be nice to see you come fuckin' 2nd for a change" she said.


***

Anyway, a family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm suprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

***


As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?!"
The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
The daughter replied: "Dad, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?
She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law".

_________________


"The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born [...] Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life."


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 9:50 pm
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
:damnfunny:

One night, little Johnny woke up and went into his parents room, only to find Daddy lying on Mummy, grunting.
"What are you doing Daddy?"
"I'm uh... um... I'm... putting a new baby in Mummys tummy!"
Little Johnny, satisfied, went back to bed.

The next day, Daddy came back to find little Johnny sitting on the porch, crying. When he asked what is wrong, little Johnny said
"Well, Daddy, after all your hard work putting a baby into mummy last night, the postman came today, and ate the baby!"

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
Alatar
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 10:18 pm
of Vinyamar
Offline
 
Posts: 8274
Joined: Mon 28 Feb , 2005 4:39 pm
Location: Ireland
Contact: ICQ
 
So, little Johnny is passing his sisters bedroom one night and he sees her writhing on the bed, touching herself and moaning "I need a man, oh God, I need a man." He shrugs, gets a drink of water and heads off to bed.

Next night he's passing her door and sees her making love to her boyfriend. He shrugs, gets a glass of water and heads off to bed.

Next night his sister hears noises from his room an goes to check on him. He's writhing on the bed touching himself and moaning "I need a mountain bike..."

_________________

[ img ]
These are my friends, see how they glisten...


Top
Profile Quote
Berhael
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 10:22 pm
Milk and kisses
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 4417
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 11:03 am
Location: lost in translation
 
Hee hee :damnfunny:

2 old women at the bingo - one says to the other:

"So Elieen, did you come on the bus?"

"Yes" she said "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack".

_________________


"The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born [...] Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life."


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 10:54 pm
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
:damnfunny:

So, little Johnny has this teachr, right, and every Friday, at the end of class, she asks them a question, ans whoever gets it right gets homework off for the weekend. Problem is, it's always a question like "What is the reciprocal of pi?"
So anyway, one Friday, as the teacher is thinking of a question, Little Johnny rolls two black marbles up to the top of the class. Teacher says " Oy! Who's the joker with the black balls!?" Little Johnny says "Bill Cosby." And leaves the class.

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
tinwe
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 11:07 pm
Waiting for winter
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 2380
Joined: Fri 04 Mar , 2005 1:46 am
Location: Jr. High
 
So, little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs going at it. He asks his dad “what are they doing?” and dad says “they’re making puppies”.

A few days later Johnny walks in on mom and dad while they a having sex. He asks them what they are doing and dad says “we’re making you a baby brother.” Johnny thinks for a second and says “well, flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”

_________________

[ img ]

I am a child, I'll last a while.
You can't conceive
of the pleasure in my smile.


Top
Profile Quote
Ara-anna
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 11:10 pm
Daydream Believer
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 5780
Joined: Mon 28 Feb , 2005 11:15 pm
Location: Pac Northwest
 
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"

Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

_________________

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in

Five seconds away from the Tetons and Yellowstone


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 11:16 pm
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
:LMAO:

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
gimli_axe_wielder
Post subject:
Posted: Thu 09 Aug , 2007 11:38 pm
The easily amuse-OH SHINY!
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 3120
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 6:09 pm
Location: So Cal er... Cave systems..
 
Alatar wrote:

Next night his sister hears noises from his room an goes to check on him. He's writhing on the bed touching himself and moaning "I need a mountain bike..."


But.. but.. I had to buy mine :( AND THE BITCH HURT ME!!!

_________________

Things and stuff.


Top
Profile Quote
Leoba
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 8:51 am
Troubadour of Ithilien
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 3539
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 11:04 am
Location: Bree, Buckinghamshire
 
:D:D

_________________

Also found on Facebook - hunt me down via the MetaTORC group.

[ img ]

I just adore the concept of washing Dirty Horseboys!


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 10:39 am
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
:damnfunny:

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
vison
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 4:48 pm
Best friends forever
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 6546
Joined: Fri 04 Feb , 2005 4:49 am
 
*laughs until cries*

These are pretty awful. :D

Sadly, I know worse and I'm not going to post them.

Would shock you guys. :D

_________________

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.


Top
Profile Quote
TWT
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 6:37 pm
Wembley bound
Offline
 
Posts: 4129
Joined: Wed 25 May , 2005 7:34 pm
Location: Swiming in a fishbowl.
 
So shock us! :D


Top
Profile Quote
gimli_axe_wielder
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 6:56 pm
The easily amuse-OH SHINY!
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 3120
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 6:09 pm
Location: So Cal er... Cave systems..
 
Yea you can't leave that little tidbit dangling and not tell us!!!

_________________

Things and stuff.


Top
Profile Quote
Sidonzo
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:01 pm
Everything Is Numb
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 2711
Joined: Sat 19 Mar , 2005 12:03 am
Location: back home again in Indiana
 
Is this the best place to use the world dangling, Gimli? :P *got all sorts of images after reading that word*


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:18 pm
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
This is a fantastic thread in which to use the word dangling! It could ignite a whole spate of filthy posts! :devil:

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
gimli_axe_wielder
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:22 pm
The easily amuse-OH SHINY!
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 3120
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 6:09 pm
Location: So Cal er... Cave systems..
 
Where the hell is lidless when we need him :devil:


Of course, I know exactly where he is at this moment. He's seeing spamalot with MY HOBBIT!!!! :rage: :rage: :rage:

_________________

Things and stuff.


Top
Profile Quote
Crucifer
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:26 pm
A song outlasts a dynasty.
Offline
 
Posts: 3202
Joined: Tue 29 May , 2007 9:42 pm
Location: Wouldn't you like to know...
Contact: Website
 
Lucky fecker. I'd love to see spamalot.

_________________

Sleep is a death; Oh, make me try by sleeping what it is to die.


Top
Profile Quote
gimli_axe_wielder
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:29 pm
The easily amuse-OH SHINY!
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 3120
Joined: Wed 27 Oct , 2004 6:09 pm
Location: So Cal er... Cave systems..
 
I hate Monty Python so they can enjoy all they want!



Damn.. ok here is my dirty joke


A white horse falls in the mud..............

anyone?





Anyone???







IT'S DIRTY!!

:damnfunny: :damnfunny: :damnfunny: :damnfunny: :damnfunny:

_________________

Things and stuff.


Top
Profile Quote
yovargas
Post subject:
Posted: Fri 10 Aug , 2007 7:32 pm
User avatar
Offline
 
Posts: 14774
Joined: Thu 24 Feb , 2005 12:11 pm
 
[ img ]


Top
Profile Quote
Display: Sort by: Direction:
Post Reply   Page 1 of 2  [ 38 posts ]
Return to “The Turf” | Jump to page 1 2 »
Jump to: