Saw these on the Lush forum and thought some of you fellow filthy minded people might have a chuckle with them.
***
A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was £5".
The Grandmother says, "in my day we were just glad for the warm drink".
***
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
***
A wee boy asks his mum "why am I black and you are white?"
"Don't even ask" she replies, "When i think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"
***
I bought some Olympic condoms yesterday, 3 in a packet and they're gold, silver and bronze coloured.
The cheeky fuckin' wife said "you can wear the silver one tonight" and I asked "why?", "Because it'll be nice to see you come fuckin' 2nd for a change" she said.
***
Anyway, a family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm suprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
***
As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?!"
The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
The daughter replied: "Dad, I'm 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?
She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law".