Some recent favorites...
(571): i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
(570): so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
(571): yup.
(305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
(604): Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
(217): you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
(313): I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
(313): I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
(484): Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
(410): She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
(603): i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
(818): he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
(607): Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
(732): just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
(512): Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
(815): I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
(617): i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
(936): So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
(508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
(218): you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
(206): I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
(518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
(404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
(1-404): did you answer or finish?
(404): both
(765): you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
(407): i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
(917): My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
(630): i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
(210): I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
(303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
(1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
(386): You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
(413): Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
(817): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
(605): I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
(650): Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
(512): I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
(270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
(503): My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
(510): I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
(419): Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Does anyone else feel kinda proud when they see their area codes show up on this site?
It's like omg, people actually do use the internet around here! Also, I try to figure out which ones my brothers have written.
*E*