Meanwhile, back at the castle
Bison's personal attendant, Leila of the Languorously Long Raven Hair, entered the room. "Madam," she intoned with excruciatingly correct pronunciation, "there is a visitor here to see you."
Bison looked up from the book she was reading ("One hundred and one creative ways to avoid saying the word 'eye'") and yawned vociferously. "What does he want?"
"An audience, no doubt", replied Leila with quiet respect.
"Show him in, then." Bison placed her steely cold bookmark between way number 67 and way number 68, and laid the book by. In a few moments, broken only by the sound of the tap-tap-tap of the sun upon the window-pane, Leila re-entered the room that she had so recently exited, followed by a young man carrying a lyre. He bowed low.
"Forsooth," thought Bison to herself, "his thews are not very impressive, but his countenance is so agreeable that I just might overlook that."
"The Queen will see thee now," pronounced Leila.
"Well, young yokel, you are in the presence of the Queen," exclaimed Bison. "Who are you, and what brings you here?"
"I am honoured, Madam," said the minstrel. "I come here through many dangers to speak with you in person. As to who I am, this song will explain everything." He pulled out his lyre, tuned it, and began to sing:
"I with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Am with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Called with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Trevor with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
And with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
I with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again."
The young man stole a glance at Bison, whose eyelids were beginning to droop alarmingly. Leila was snoring gently. The young man smiled and continued his song.
"Come with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
From with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
The with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Land with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Of with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again.
Wensleydale with a hey and a ho and a hey nonny no,
Fal-de-ral, fa la la in the spring,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
Sing hey for a glass of sweet red ruby wine,
Sing all you great warriors who fain would lie doon,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la,
I'll never go down to that valley again."
Bison and Leila were both fast asleep. The young man smiled to himself and put his lyre away. Quietly he stole over and began to search the sleeping queen. Gently, furtively, he rifled her pockets, searching for the one thing he was commanded to purrloin by his master, the Cat God.
"Hmmm... a silver groat from the reign of King Hjgwb... a book in some strange language that I know not... surely it must be here... Shirley.... Shirley... surly..."
He moved her ensleepened arm and his heart froze. Underneath her thewy arm was an insignia sewn into her robe which read:
Sekrit poket do not look there s nuthing interstyng in itt.
With trembling hands he slowly and carefully reached inside. His fingers closed on a small, round object. He pulled it out.
"The sacred Ammolite!" he whispered in hushed awe. "Mee-Nou will be pleased!" He attempted to cackle nobly, but only managed a light bwahahaha. His mission accomplished, he stole from the room like a thief in the night, which was, in fact, what he was.
_________________
Melkor and Ungoliant in need of some relationship counselling.