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I like to take oranges and section them, then take each section and put them between my toes and then put my legs up in the air so when I squish my toes together and let the juice run down my legs and then...what? Why are you looking at me like that??

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Does anyone know who said it?

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Rebecca: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction!

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That was funny, satch! It reminded me of the time I was outside planting flowers and I couldn't find my little shovel and then I found it the hard way by jamming my bare toes into it and then I cut my foot and I had to limp into the house and the blood dripped all over the porch and the cat licked it up and I said, "man, you're disgusting!" and I threw something at the cat and my daughter saw and got all mad because she likes the cat even though he's disgusting and she yelled at me not to throw things at her cat and I said, "well, he's just gross," and I put a bandage on my foot and then I sat down and ate an orange and the cat came over and I threw the peels at him but he just sat there and let them bounce off his face so I said "not only are you disgusting but you're stupid" and my husband thought I was talking to him and got all mad because I insulted him but I said, "no, I was talking to the cat!" So he finally believed me but didn't care that I'd cut my foot, and my daughter was still mad at me for throwing things at the cat and the orange peels were lying all over the floor and the cat wandered off to poop in my flowers beds even though he knows he's not supposed to but I guess he was doing it to get revenge on me for throwing something at him, even though I didn't even hit him and all I could do was yell "Hey! Don't poop in my flower bed!" but of course he didn't listen! Anyhow, the flowers were RIGHT NEXT TO THE APPLE TREE!! Isn't that a riot??

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Yesterday I was in Florida with some of the greatest people ever.

Today, someone threw up on my shoe.


Yes, I'm glad to be home...

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Well, really satch, I didn't say he pooped next to the apple tree! I said he pooped in a flowerbed, but I have flowerbeds all over and the apple tree is waaaay down at the bottom of the yard and he pooped in the one closest to the house I think because he knew I could see him doing it there and he wanted me to see him!! He likes to poop in my vegetable garden too and he sometimes hacks up hairballs and that reminds me of the time I ate too many oranges and then threw up and the puke was this funny orange color and ever since then I really don't like oranges too much and I really hate orange flowers and I won't plant marigolds because they are usually orange and I can never find the yellow ones which are boring anyhow even if they're not orange but apple trees when they're blooming are the prettiest ever and didn't somebody write a song called "Don't sit under the apple tree with anybody else but me?" HA!

satch wrote:

ooh! yea, well the reason that there are no oranges is because one day when tolkien was merrily writing LoTR n decided to broaden his tastebudish horrizons by eating an apple. then when he was eating it an evil worm popped out n told him that he would put apples in not oranges n he was so scared he did.
then one day he decided to rebel against the evil worms n wrote oranges instead of apples n the worms went crazee n ... ate his face...but only a small chunk...because they're worms... n they also said because apples are HARD n VICIOUS they should be in to cause as much damage as possible to unsuspecting hobbits. n then he wrote apples for ever more. but red apples because they were the nearest to oranges he could get. the end.

and that my friends is why there are no oranges in LoTR...n also why you should squish evil worms who try to take over your brain asap.

Ethel wrote:

There's no such thing as peacocks! They're imaginary, just like fairies, hobbits and Eskimos.

You're just like my grandmother (except younger, and not dead, and not related to me as far as I know.) So my grandmother was visiting us this one time (this was before she died) and Bev came into the yard. (We called the peacock Bev for some reason even though it was a male peacock, which is a redundancy because a female peacock would actually be a peahen, but anyway that's what we called her, I mean him - I don't remember why.) And my grandmother said, "Why, it's a turkey!" Because my grandmother grew up on a farm in Oklahoma and I guess she thought all birds shaped like that were turkeys even if they happened to be electric blue, which this one did because it was actually a peacock. Even if it didn't have long tail feathers. And Eskimos do too exist. My brother is married to a woman whose sister is married to an Eskimo, and I met him at their wedding (my brother's wedding, I mean, not the Eskimo's). His name was Ed (the Eskimo, not my brother) and sometimes people referred to him as Ed the Eskimo. Ed the Eskimo introduced himself to me as "the only Eskimo Freemason" which as far as I know is true. Next you'll be telling me there's no such thing as Freemasons!

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And as I looked around at the kind of guys who shop at WalMart and have 44-46" waists, and I realized that WalMart had probably already sold quite a number of burgundy men's XL thongs, I became very glad that they double-stitch the buckles on them bib overall straps.