board77

Just an idea for a humourous thread. Pick any scene from the movies, EE's or indeed book scenes that were cut and provide your parody here. Here's one I wrote for the RotK thread on TORC that I wanted to share with you all.


[The beast growls and approaches Theoden. Theoden looks up and is afraid. Eowyn leaps between them.]

Eowyn: Begone, foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!

PJ: Cut!!! So what's a dwimmerlaik?

Phillipa: It's a created wird of Tilkien, cinstructed frim ancient roots...

Fran: Lose the "Dwimmerlaik" Miranda...

PJ: And Roll....

Witch King: Come not between the Nazgûl and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shrivelled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.

PJ: Cut! erm... Do we really need all that about being naked and shrivelled?

Phillipa: Ibsolutey. It's cricial to the plit.

PJ: Well, yeah, in the book maybe, but we're contractually obliged to deliver a PG13 here...

Fran: Well, maybe we could drop that bit so...

PJ: Ok so. Roll...

Witch King: Come not between the Nazgûl and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured

PJ: Again. I'm not so sure about the devouring of flesh thing. Ordesky would have a fit if he heard that! Look, just cut it down to "Come not between the Nazgûl and his prey!" It's short! It's punchy! It says it all! And roll...

Witch King: Come not between the Nazgûl and his prey!

Eowyn: Do what you will; but I will hinder it, if I may.

Witch king: Hinder me? Thou fool. No living man may hinder me!

Eowyn: But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Éowyn I am, Éomund's daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him.

PJ: CUT!!! Yeah, look I see where you're going with this whole Macbeth, "not born of woman" thing but it's a little obvious isn't it? I mean Miranda's a bit too sexy to pull that off. I knew we should've looked for Hilary Swank or that guy from the Crying Game. How about we cut to the chase... Eowyn, your bit basically says "I'm not a Man" so lets just say that!

Phillipa: Mutter... Mutter... Screenwriter my ass...

PJ: And Roll!

Eowyn: I will kill you if you touch him!

Witch King: Do not come between the Nazgul and his prey.

Eowyn: Aaargh!

Witch King: You fool. No man can kill me. Die now.

Merry: Augh!

[Merry strikes the Witch King from behind. The Witch King falls to his knees. Merry drops his sword and falls back, clutching his arm as if it's been burned.]

Merry: Ahh!

[Eowyn rises. She takes off her helm and lets her hair fly free.]

Eowyn: I am no man! Aha!

PJ: And CUT! Perfect! We just need something to raise the tension. I know, we'll intercut with Aragorn and the Corsairs!

Phillipa: The fans are going to crucify me....

Brilliant!

SCENE: Rivendell.

Gandalf has just been talking to Frodo. Sam comes bursting in, wildly excited, rushes to Frodo's bedside, takes Frodo's hand and strokes it.

SAM: 'Frodo! Bless you, you're awake!'

Frodo giggles charmingly. Meanwhile, his silky Elven shirt slips over his shoulder and reveals a nipple.

[SLASH FANS: "OMG, that's like so SLASHY." Drool.

HET FANS: "OMG, he's like so hot and dreamy. Move over, Samwise!" Swoon.

SLASH and HET FANS: "Yay for the Nipple of Rivendell!"]


Peter turns to Fran and Philippa.

PETER: It's just a friendship. Nothing to be embarrassed about. That's what I said in August 1998. Frodo and Sam have a beautiful friendship.

FRAN (giving him the Adoring Look): Of course, Pete.

PHILIPPA: And there's nothing wrong with subtixt either, mate.

[PETER is rendered momentarily speechless].

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...

ELIJAH (plaintively): Can I cover up my nipple now?

Frodo

I want to hear more about Samwise the Brave


Director - hey Elijah, cut the smirk

Elijah Sorry I'm just imagining what Sean's going to be saying in the actors commentary

kams!

LMAO!

Special Effects shot of soaking wet Aragorn lying on his back, up come a horse and nuzzles him.

PJ to CGI artist - look there it is you need to colour out the sugar lump from Viggo mouth.