Wow I just read this whole thread!!! Thank You all you parents for being so honest. Vision
I do not know what to say. TW I will work on figuring it out.
First, I will say I am 25 and I remeber those teenage years. Now I will say in my case my parents stayed together (although they fight like cats and dogs) and had 3 children with no major problems like the ones discussed here. The thought of spraying Windex into either parents face would not even come into our heads becuase you just dont do that. That crosses the line of respect. That was instilled in us very very young. I am even stunned when I see 4 or 5 year olds actually kick their parents in temper tantrums. When I was that age I wouldn't do that!!! The consequences were to horrible to imagine in my little brain. Certain things even when I think of it now, if I ever dared to do them, I would have to run to other side of Canada to escape.
I think the only time we ever had huge problems (none as bad as yours) was when it came to expressing
independance. Parents didn't want us to make mistakes and my younger sis an I were coddled. That did not do us any favours. By most peoples standards we were easy children. In fact my mother went so far as brag about us every chance she got and did not realize the pressure that put us under, and how bragging can come of as a means of veiled control, which basically put a lid on our attempts at independance. It even caused my younger sis to throw up on several occasions since she would get stressed out.
Anyway the reason I am relating that to you is during the teen years the teenager is struggling for
independance even if it means doing horribly stupid things that can screw up the rest of their lives. I lived in a particularly bad neighbourhood so I saw this sort of thing all the time. Some of the things that teenagers do just boggle my mind even when I was a teenager since I so wholy did not think like most of those around me. Things like what your daughter does, was the norm for my high school and my neighbourhood, except the part about a good job.
It is time for your daughter to leave the house. For me that was the best thing and is I think for most people at that age. It improved my relationship with my parents greatly. Some call it loving your parents from a distance.
From what I saw of the teenagers at that time in their life they think they know
everything, and they will be teenagers forever, so no matter what you say TW you will be considered wrong. She needs to go out and make her own mistakes and learn from them and
realize that she has to grow up. I think that is the main thing here. Some people reach this realization earlier in their lives, some later. Some never do. I think after a couple of years she may mature and realize how wrong she was at the time. I know many many many people who I did not want to associate myself with, since they were so immature and stupid and so willing to destroy thier lives since they never thought of consequences or looked farther into the future then next weekend. After 2 or 3 years after high school they were extraordinarily mature and realized they were young and
stupid back then. Quite a few actually talk to me as friends and relized I knew what the frell I was doing in high school. Also they have taken on major personal responsibilty. So The Watcher
there is hope.
I know you are afraid that she might think you don't love her (may not be her immediate thought) or some other stuff, but she needs to be out of that house.
Also although she gets kicked out I do not think you have to cut off all contact, hopefully after while you can have some meaningful discussion and work things out. But what ever you do, no matter what happens do not take her back in if some disaster occurs. Sometimes people will orchestrate a disaster so their parents can take them back. I have seen sooooo many teenagers get pregnant for the stupidest of reasons. I had a neighbour for 10 years try to kick out her son and he was into his 30's. If the situation is really bad a temporary restraining order could be good. Not just for yourself but also for the grandparents so she can't run to them. She may do something stupid. She may not, but that is
her choice. You shoud not feel guilty.
As other people have suggested get into support groups TW (and Vision), I have seen so many people feel like they are alone when they do not have to be.
Another thought, I know this could sound really bad but it's better that you kick her out rather then her threaten to leave (or something else) and use that as a means to control you. I have seen that happen. It's your house. You take control of the situation. It is time for her to go.