board77

I know this is the most personal of subjects, so if there are no replies, I'll understand.

I know a young woman (not a minor) who is pregnant out of wedlock, and very close to giving birth. She has made all the arrangements to give up the baby for adoption, but is not at all certain that she will follow through, even though she does not currently have a means of supporting herself (has been living with parents), and the father is not on a firm financial footing either (he has said he cannot be a part of her life at the moment, but will support her financially according to his means). In addition, the woman's parents (they are dead set against her keeping the child) have said she may not come home with the baby (they do not want to end up in the position of raising the child).

I was wondering if there is anyone here who has had personal experience with adoption, either giving up a child, or being adopted yourself, or counseling people in this position.

If anyone has given up a child for adoption, do you regret it? Have you made contact with your child, or do you hope to?

If you are adopted yourself, have you faced feelings of rejection or abandonment? Have you made contact with your natural parents, and do you hope to?

As I said, I know this is very personal, and I'll understand if there are no replies.

It seems that this young woman feels that adoption is a "cop-out", a renigging on her responsibility, and she seems to view the idea of "giving away her kin" as a terrible thing. She doesn't currently seem to be accepting the idea that the child might be better off with a stable environment (they have several waiting couples), and that giving the child up to a childless couple could be an act of love.

I don't pretend to know what would be the best thing, it just seems to me that the child might be better off with a couple who are financially stable and ready to be parents.

I hope I've not said anything to offend.

If she's already dithering, I would guess that once she's got the baby in her arms, she'll keep it.

This is not always a bad thing. A poor and single woman can raise a child perfectly well. Mind you, it isn't easy, but it's possible. She needs support, not necessarily financial.

When I was a girl, I knew FIVE girls who had babies and gave them up. Oh, gosh, if the truth was known, I probably knew more than that. It's the way things were. With one exception, they have all been reunited with their babies in the last decade or so.

The exception is a woman who to this day, 42 years later, has NOT told a soul other than me that she had a baby and gave it up. I went with her to "the home" and I accompanied her the day she left there to go back to her parents' house. They never knew, never suspected. She went on to marry and have a family. She has never spoken to me again, but I know people who know her, and as far as I can tell, no one else has ever heard about the baby, including her husband and children. I've never told anyone either.

She can, and probably has, kept her name out of the registry of adoptions that is available for those seeking to be reunited with mother or child.

If this girl you mention has her baby and gives it up after all, I think open adoption is best. I think it's always best, really.

This makes me think of my aunt, who had a baby 61 years ago and was forced by circumstance to give him up when he was 18 months old. She eventually found him and has a relationship with him now, but imagine how she suffered. She's nearly 80 now and it's still hard for her to talk about it.

So many facets...

I could not tell someone who was uncertain about giving up their child to do so. I just couldn't. If they were resolved to do it I could be supportive, but I don't think I could try to convince them if they weren't.

Financial stability might make for a better upbringing...but it might not. No guarentees there, just percentages. Single parenthood would be a tougher problem, but as vison points out, not insurmountable. Not having the grandparents on board...jeez, all three together, it's a rotten situation.

If the key is her feeling she's copping out, remind her that what she's doing takes tremendous love for the baby, putting its needs ahead of her own. That's not a cop out in my book.

Cerin,

People here seem to pretty comfortable talking about this topic. Lhaewin had a thread up a while ago ... might still be on first page ... about a particular problem she was confronting, and we realized in that thread that an unusually large number of us are adopted.

I was given up for adoption at birth. My mother was from that generation for whom pregnancy out of wedlock was not acceptable at all. My adoptive parents were (are) fine people (Dad is deceased, Mom's still living) and I was reunited with my whole biological family except for my mother who died not long after my birth. So actually neither my older half-sister nor myself were raised by our natural mother.

I do have rather strong feelings about adoption law - vehemently opposed to all the secrecy attached ... but luckily society itself has changed in ways that make most of those state laws obsolete for people going through the process today.

It is possible to arrange an adoption through a lawyer such that the biological mother is allowed to know her child. From all the research I have read, this is the best of all possible circumstances. It is the adoptive parents who are hardest to convince of this, and why that is so would take pages and pages of discussion.

The biggest shame in your friend's case seems to be the rigid attitude of her parents. She needs to make this decision with her own emotional welfare foremost in her mind, and the rigidity of her parents puts their welfare first. They are selfish, closed-hearted people in my opinion, and I don't come by that opinion lightly or through lack of experience.

It should be made plain to your friend that her parents are not the ones who matter in this situation. If she cannot count on them for emotional support, she should take their opinion completely out of consideration and seek the advice of good friends or professional counselors instead.

One has to be practical. If it is impossible for her to support the child financially on her own, then she has to consider the physical welfare of the child. But that never means, in this day and age, that the child can never know its heritage or that she will not be permitted to follow the progress of her child. It might not be easy or fast, but it is certainly possible to find adoptive parents who are also willing to put the emotional welfare and emotional completeness of their adopted child first - before their own claim to "possession" (whatever the heck that means where living people are concerned). She should try that route if she cannot find a way to have her first choice of raising the child on her own.

Jn

Lhaewin had a thread up a while ago

I lurk in this forum way more than I have time to post.

First my apologies, I did not search for another thread on the subject. Thank you Leoba for that link!

Thank you all for your comments!

vison, I read in the other thread that you are parenting your grandsons! Wow, that seems like an extraordinarily wonderful thing to do. I wonder if you would care to talk any more about that, how it came to be, etc. (if not, please pardon me for being nosy).

Axordil wrote:

I could not tell someone who was uncertain about giving up their child to do so. I just couldn't. If they were resolved to do it I could be supportive, but I don't think I could try to convince them if they weren't.

This is just the way I feel.

Jnyusa wrote:

The biggest shame in your friend's case seems to be the rigid attitude of her parents. She needs to make this decision with her own emotional welfare foremost in her mind, and the rigidity of her parents puts their welfare first. They are selfish, closed-hearted people in my opinion, and I don't come by that opinion lightly or through lack of experience.

That is an interesting observation, that their rigidity puts their welfare first. I suppose they may have taken that stance thinking it is "tough love," that is, they don't want to enable her to make what they believe would be a decision that would ruin her life. On the other hand, being so sure themselves of what is right for her, seems wrong to me. I'm sure I could never take such a hard line with my own child (but then, I wouldn't presume to know what was best in this situation).

It's so difficult, it being a matter of destiny. It must just be awful to have this choice before one, knowing that one's decision will have such an impact on a life, and not knowing for sure what would be best.

I agree (as you mentioned in the other thread) that it would be interesting to hear how people think adoption has affected their personalities. Knowing that several wonderful and extraordinary people here are adopted, is sort of reassuring, if that makes any sense.

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It should be made plain to your friend that her parents are not the ones who matter in this situation. If she cannot count on them for emotional support, she should take their opinion completely out of consideration and seek the advice of good friends or professional counselors instead.

Yes, it appears she would only have their emotional support if she made the decision they favor. Or is there a difference between emotional and practical support? I wonder if their rigidity doesn't have the effect of actually pushing her in the other direction?

Thanks again to everyone!

I was adopted at the age of six weeks.

I grew up in a very loving Christian family. I have always had a very close relationship with my adoptive parents.

I decided to trace my birth mother when I was in my mid-thirties. The search took me eight months. I had a great deal of support from my social worker - who acted as an intermediary between me and my birth relatives - and from various other sources, including church and friends.

The day I finally met my birth mum, on a sunny day in October 1997, was one of the best days of my life.

It doesn't always work out that way, I know.

There are no easy answers to this, Cerin.

The pragmatist in me says that this child might well have a good chance in life if placed in a stable family unit, given that this young woman has so little support both emotionally and financially.

But I would also have no problem with a woman in her situation keeping her child. What a pity she has such unsupportive parents.

I know from experience that the primal connection between birth mother and child casts a long shadow if that bonding is disrupted. That is true even of adoptees whose experience of adoption has been positive, as mine was. As a young child I bonded closely with my adoptive parents. And yet the shadow of my birth mother was always behind me. To quote from one of the many books I've read on the subject, one adoptee sums it up for me: 'I love my adoption: I hate the relinquishment.'

If I'm honest, I think I would always push in the end for the child staying with the mother. Yes. I feel strongly about it. Even though I have no regrets about being adopted myself, I still feel that it is really best, in the long run, for that primal child/mother bond not to be interrupted.

Whatever her decision is, it will take great courage. Giving up the baby for adoption would be an extremely courageous and self-sacrificial thing for her to do. It's not a cop-out at all.

Raising the child on her own would also be very courageous. I really feel for her, not having supportive parents behind her.

Whatever she decides to do, I wish her and her unborn child the very best.

I'm not adopted, but my mum is.

Her adoptive parents, though lovely people, were rather bad as parents--kind of distant, never really there to talk to, you know? So yeah, she definitely feels rejected and abandoned sometimes. She doesn't tell me much about it, but every year she gets really depressed on her birthday, and perhaps other times, but she doesn't really let on.

She's been trying to trace her birth mother for years now, with no luck. You're very lucky in that respect, Di.

I can't say what your friend should do. I do think that if she's really that uncertain, she should try to make it work. It sounds like she would always regret giving up the child. However, that is her descision and hers alone. If she thinks it would really be better all around for the child to be adopted, that's what she should do.

I wish her and her child the very best, and hope everything works out. to them both.

*shakes head and kicks himself*

You know, I'm one of the most open people on this board, but I find it difficult to share this. One day, I'll get the nerve up to tell you my story, but not today.

It ain't pretty.

Wow, Lidless. I've never seen you hesitate before. Whenever you are ready, my friend...



I have a really good friend who is the oldest of eight kids. There's a time gap of about 3 years between her and her brother, which she never questioned... this girl is GORGEOUS, and her last name is "Olsen"... she looks very Swedish, and identified with being Swedish.

Five years ago, when her mother was very sick, my friend was taken aside by her aunt and told that her mother had had her out of wedlock, and the man who raised her... "Olsen"... was not her biological father.

My friend learned, at age 35, that she was without a drop of Swedish blood... she was so comfortable being Swedish, I think that was the biggest blow of all! She said to me that it was like her whole life was a lie... all her brothers and sisters were now "half"'s, she had a whole group of aunts and uncles and cousins who weren't actually related to her.

It was devastating for her. In this case, at least, she would have been much better off with the truth.

Lidless

I was adopted when I was one year old but my new parents told me pretty early that this was the case. I never had any trouble with the idea. When I was five, my parents decided to adopt a second child and so I have a sister now. As far as I know, she doesn't have any trouble with the idea either.

I don't want to trace my biological parents. I think about my biological mum on my birthday and wonder whether she remembers that it is my birthday, but, except that, I don't think about that much. I am not sure if I have the emotional strenght to deal with meeting her and (probably) my half-siblings.

As for abandonment issues, I don't think that I have more issues than any other woman.

Anthriel - I am really sorry about your friend. I believe that a child needs to know the truth as soon as possible.

Cerin - Like what everyone else said, I cannot tell you what this woman should do. I wouldn't like to be in her shoes as this must be a very tough decision to make.

In another ill twist of fate, my hope for raising a child lies in the tragedy of another person - I cannot have children with my wife (or with another wife, I'm the handicapped one) and our only hope lies with adoption.

See how happy I am hoping for a young mum's disaster.

Mummpizz - it's not necessarily a disaster.

A student of mine got pregnant a few years ago - heaven's sake she was not yet 16 and still could not tell with 100% certainty who would have been the father of the child. I know this is hard to believe, but it did not mean anything to her to give the child away. She was not at all ready for the emotional connection with a child and had not realised or mentally and physically denied to the last point that she was pregnant until it was six months...

The child has been given to adoption. As far as I know, she did not see it and came back to school a little more than a week after birth...

It would have been a drama, if she would have had to keep it. For her and the baby.

Be happy, Mummpizz! You deserve it.

Well, of course there are people who don't even realise a desaster when they're amidst of one. Just like Voltaire's "Candide".

I'm happy with friends like you.

Mummpizz, I think you're great to be thinking about the mother's feelings...that shows you're very caring and unselfish...and you know, when a kid is given up for adoption...well, it needs someone to take care of it. If that's you...that's you. You need feel no remorse...you're giving both the child and his mother a great gift of love.

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That is an interesting observation, that their rigidity puts their welfare first. I suppose they may have taken that stance thinking it is "tough love," that is, they don't want to enable her to make what they believe would be a decision that would ruin her life. On the other hand, being so sure themselves of what is right for her, seems wrong to me. I'm sure I could never take such a hard line with my own child (but then, I wouldn't presume to know what was best in this situation).

Even if they are trying to show her what they think is the right way- they are completely ignoring the child! Even if they think their daughter has made a horrible mistake, they don't seem like they're willing to help her overcome the trouble it will bring her- but they just want to set it aside. The baby may ruin her life, like any unplanned event may ruin our lives. But I don't see any love in their refusal to accept this baby- it's their own kin, not some accident. It might of course be best for the girl to give the child up, but it should be seen as the best option for the baby, not an easy solution for the girl and her parents.

I'm angry at such people. I can imagine the hell that would be raised if I got pregnant like that- but I can never ever imagine my mother wanting to ignore my child and pretend that it doesn't exist.

Ah, Rodia, parents can be quite emotionally reactive when it comes to the welfare of their kids. I do not know these people at all, obviously, but I have an inkling that their own feelings might change when their grandchild is born. Right now they may just be focused on what they think is best for their daughter, but when they hold that little blameless scrap in their arms.. well, they might change their tune. Just sayin.

Mummpy, you are not handicapped. Just because you are biologically unable to father a child (which is what I've inferred here) doesn't mean you can't be a great dad. If the biological mom really can't raise her child, then you are going to be the answer to all her prayers. If I were in her shoes, people like you and your wife, who so obviously WANT to have a child to love and raise, and would make my baby a well-loved part of your family, you would be the answer to MY prayers.

This is what we call a win-win situation.

Andri, thanks for your kind words about my friend... I had no comfort for her at the time, and she still struggles with this. I really think this could have been avoided if she had just known it as a child. Apparently, just as with you and your sister, some children handle it quite well. She should have been given that option.

Lidless, I know that it is hard to talk about these things.

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This is what we call a win-win situation.

Unfortunately it is not always a win-win situation. Apart from my own story (see the other thread) I know some other people who suffer from having been adopted out of different reasons. They searched their biological parents and were rejected - once more, that is! Feeling easily left out, let down or being declined - this is one of the "big issues" in these peoples´ lives as well as in mine. No matter, what my husband does to make me feel comfortable, it won´t completely go away.

I think that one of the reasons for my feeling attracted to this messageboard is that everyone is friendly and welcoming (a "thank you" to all of you, btw ).

I can´t say what your friend should do, Cerin. I am too much biased...

Mummpizz, you know that I wish for you and your wife all the best and I am sure that you will make a great Daddy!

I am so grateful for everyone's willingness to share on this personal subject (and to Lidless, too, for sharing that he's not ready to share). Your insights have been tremendously helpful. Thank goodness the tide seems to have turned away from secrecy and toward more openness in adoptions, as that is one thing everyone seems to agree is best.

Di, I'm so happy to know that things worked out well for you in finding your birth Mother. I'm going to look for that book you mentioned in the other thread. I also thought 'Secrets and Lies' was a wonderful and tremendously moving film.

Mummpizz, I think framing your situation in terms of someone else's tragedy and disaster, is unnecessarily harsh for you. It is someone else's difficulty, which you can offer a solution to by giving their child a loving home. I think seeing the wonderful people here who have been adopted is very affirming, somehow.

Rodia, thank you for your comments. I think the parents may be taking this harsh stance to try and force their daughter into making the decision they want her to make. At least, I'm hoping they are really more compassionate than they are showing at the moment. As Anthriel suggested, maybe once they realize they have failed in their attempts to control the situation (if this turns out to be the case), they will resign themselves to it and show more support.


Lhaewin

Thanks again to everyone!

I was taken in by my biological father's parents when I was about 8 weeks old. My dad had just turned 17 and my mom was only a year or so older, and they had been pressured into marrying by her parents. They were not ready to live on their own, much less raise me. He joined the Army, they had a little girl, they got divorced, and I was sheltered from the whole thing. Eventually they just went ahead and adopted me.

It was strange. I seem to have forgotten who my birth parents were by the time I was 8 or 9, because when I happened on a birth annoucement while rooting through my parent's stuff I couldn't figure out why the name wasn't right for my mom. My grandparents almost didn't believe I had forgotten at first...or maybe I blocked it out. Who knows?

The oddest parts now are how carefully I speak around my biological dad...I catch myself so as to avoid saying mom or dad in reference to our "shared" parents.

But I digress. The dodgy part has been how I've felt about my biological mom. For years I was angry that she had taken my sister away with her after the divorce. I didn't see her from the time I was 4 or 5 till I was 18, and didn't want to see her then. I still blame her at some level for the way my sister turned out...so like me and so unlike, a darker reflection, more self-centered than I am (!) and even more manipulative (!!). But for her those were survival skills...

I'm not mad at her any more. There's no point. And I've told her that the best thing she can do in terms of "being a mother" to me is to be a good grandmother to her granddaughters, my nieces.

On the other hand, I get to tell people I'm my own uncle at parties, so it hasn't been all bad.

I am not adopted, have not adopted, nor have I ever given up a baby for adoption. So maybe I don't belong in this conversation. But I did want to give another perspective.

My brother and his wife, after having three children of their own, decided to adopt for the simple reason that they could give a good home to a child who needed one. They had the resources and the love and the desire to share them. The child they adopted was born to a penniless woman who already had a dozen children.

A couple I know who were unable to have children of their own have adopted two children and are hoping for a third. It is the most loving family I know.

In each of these cases, the children are given abundant love and care. They are not cut off from their biological mothers (although in my brother's case it was a foreign adoption, so there isn't direct contact). I can't imagine that these children could have had a better life than in these families that longed for them so desperately and in some cases waited years for them.