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OBAMA'S TO-DO LIST
Fix global economy, buy puppies

GERRY FLAHIVE

Ato-do list of 44 items for Barack Obama, who will be the 44th U.S. president.

1. Buy puppy.

2. Return You Don't Mess with the Zohan DVD to video store; ask for refund as it kept skipping on special features. 3. Fix global economy.

4. Win war in Afghanistan.

5. Choose puppy name from short list: Carbon Neutral, Alexis de Tocqueville or Mr. Giggles?

6. Buy chew toy for puppy (or several? How fast do they go through these things?).

7. Renew our historically strong ties with the Dominion of Canada, asserting America's respect for its cultural and political independence, and ever-so-delicately renegotiating only several small clauses in the North American free-trade agreement, all the while assuring the Canadians of our sincere goal of improving trade without harming that nation's vital potash industry.

8. Train puppy.

9. Find out if suede is considered "presidential."

10. Send change-of-address form to post office.

11. Return the $150,000 worth of Nike basketball shoes to the Democratic National Committee.

12. Change status on Facebook to "is now president-elect."

13. Wean self slowly off Grecian Formula.

14. Buy more Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer.

15. Start work on inaugural address; appropriate to mention puppy?

16. In bipartisan gesture, reach across the aisle and fist-bump several Republicans.

17. Stop global warming, but use Celsius to make it seem more impressive.

18. Stall for more time.

19. Reinvigorate the U.S. auto sector by injecting massive financial support for the rapid development of electric cars.

20. Rotate tires on the Saturn.

21. Schedule more "me" time.

22. Finish writing my Harry Potter-homage novel before Jan. 20.

23. Ask Joe Biden to please stop fist-bumping me.

24. Buy a really good datebook and some pens.

25. Get Sidney Poitier to record my voice-mail message.

26. Send an out-of-office reply to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for now.

27. Double-check Constitution: Can there really be only one president at a time?

28. Repeatedly call Dick Cheney's private phone number, put him on hold, then hang up.

29. Idea: Provide economic stimulus package in the form of $500-billion worth of department-store gift cards - everyone loves gift cards!

30. Ease the house-foreclosure crisis by asking banks to introduce "the legacy mortgage" - 300-year amortizations!

31. Slowly introduce universal health-care coverage in stages by phasing in ailments covered (e.g., start in first year with compensation only for meteor injuries).

32. Overcome paralyzing fear of public speaking.

33. Ask Secret Service: Is it true that, as president, I don't have to carry a wallet?

34. Check MapQuest for fastest driving route to Washington.

35. Ask Oprah to stimulate the economy by buying something for every American.

36. Google myself.

37. Send unused debate zingers to National Archives till needed in 2012 campaign.

38. Immediately announce selection for Secretary of the Treasury to ensure a smooth transition from the Bush administration; post job descriptions for secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defence, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labour, State, Transportation, Veterans Affairs and Attorney-General on Craigslist.

39. Tell Belgium to knock it off.

40. Withdraw U.S. troops from Iraq, but only at night.

41. Tell the Pentagon to start working on an Iron Man suit.

42. Let Michelle know I'll have to work late tonight.

43. Let freedom ring.

44. Buy two puppies to avoid argument?

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35. Ask Oprah to stimulate the economy by buying something for every American.

Ara-anna wrote:

What's up with 39?

Are they stealing French Fries?

vison wrote:

Ara-anna wrote:

What's up with 39?

Are they stealing French Fries?

Yes. And do you know those brutes in Belgium eat them with mayonnaise?

I mean, can you frakin' imagine?