board77

I thought it might be fun to start a Pants thread, based on Tolkien's work.

The idea is simple, take a quote from any Tolkien book and replace one word with "pants"

I'll start:

He fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast pants that lay in wait.

"How do we know you are the pants that Gandalf speaks about?"

They all fell silent for a while. Gimli re-filled his pants.

"Come, Gimli!" said Legolas. "Now by Fangorn's leave I will visit the deep places of the Entwood and see such pants as are nowhere else to be found in Middle-earth."



Lali

This ones for yova:


He stroked it gently and then he blushed and turned hastily away.
"Hullo, Sam!" said Frodo.
"It's warm!" said Sam. "Meaning your pants, Mr. Frodo. It has felt so cold through the long nights.

Alatar wrote:

This ones for yova:


He stroked it gently and then he blushed and turned hastily away.
"Hullo, Sam!" said Frodo.
"It's warm!" said Sam. "Meaning your pants, Mr. Frodo. It has felt so cold through the long nights.

Oh, you twisted man, you.

"Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants."

Bah! Vison...you stole one of my favorites.

Filled one of these threads in Tom's House on TORC with quite a few.


"Hold out your pants, Frodo. It's quite cool..." - Gandalf

"His fortress of pants has been rebuilt in the land of Mordor" - Gandalf

"His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and pants..." - Saruman

"You've been in to farmer maggot's pants!" - Sam

"For I will sing to you of Frodo of the Nine Fingers and the Pants of Doom."

“I wish it need not have happened in my pants,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such pants. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the pants that is given us.”

Just out of curiousity...what do the Americans here think pants refers to?

Trousers, I am assuming. Thats what they mean to me at least. They are probably underpants in other parts of the world, but either way it's funny.

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your pants," Bilbo

Ara-anna wrote:

They are probably underpants in other parts of the world, but either way it's funny.

That's what it means in this part of the world...which makes it a bit more absurd than just some trousers.

"I'm glad you're with me Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all pants."


(My favorite line, like, ever. Surprised it wasn't already taken. )

Oh and, thanks, Al.

I posted this on another board six (!) years ago but repeated here...

The world of underwear fashion is changed.

han mathon ne nenÂ…
I feel it in the water.

han mathon ne panteÂ…
I feel it in the pants.

a han noston ne pante.
I smell it in the pants.

Pants that once were are lost. For none now live who remember them.


It began with the sewing of the great pants. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine pants were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire comfortable underwear. For within these pants was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them stitched up, for another pair were made.

In the land of Mordor, in the sewing machines of Mount Denim, the Dark Lord Sauron stitched in secret a master pair of pants, to control all others. And into this pants, he poured his cruelty, his genitalia and his will to dominate all fashions.

One pants to rule them all.”

[fighting]

Victory was near. But the power of the pants could not be unwoven.

It was in this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's pair or scissors.

Sauron, the enemy of the free-asses of Middle-Earth was defeated. The pants passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy Calvin Klein forever.

But the asses of men are easily corrupted. And the Pants of Power has a zip of its own. They betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. And some things that should have been forgotten were not. Like his hemorrhoid problem.

History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the pants passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, they ensnared a new wearer.

Gollum: My Paaannnnttttssssss

The pants came to the creature Gollum, who took them deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, they consumed him.

Gollum: They came to me, my own, my love, my paaannnnttttsssss!

The pants brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years they poisoned his ass. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, they waited. Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Pants of Power perceived. Their time had now come.

They abandoned Gollum.

But something happened then the pants did not intend. They were picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. Using surgical gloves.

Hobbit: What's this?

A Hobbit. Levi Strauss of the Shire.

Levi: A pair of pants.
Gollum: (from afar) Losssst! My pants is lost!

For the time soon come when Hobbits will shape the genitalia of all.

***

Frodo: <smiles> Nothing ever dampens your pants, does it Sam?

Sam: Ah! What's that 'orrid stink? I'll warrant there's a nasty pants nearby. Can you smell it?

Frodo: Release him or I'll cut your pants!

Frodo: There's no pants you can make that I can trust.

Uglúk: They've picked up our pants! Let's go!

Aragorn: Not idly do the pants of Lorien fall.

Aragorn: Legolas, what do your elf pants see?

Saruman (V.O.): The world is changing. <View changes to the tower of Barad-dur, with its huge orc armies on a bridge.> Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor? To stand against the pants of Sauron and Saruman and the union of the two trouser legs?

Saruman (V.O.): The old pants will burn in the fires of industry. Pants will fall. A new pants will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the knickers and the shorts and the iron pants of the orc. We have only to remove those pants who oppose us.

Saruman: They drove your people into the hills to scratch a living off pants.

Eomer: Pants are running freely across our lands.

Grima: Why do you lay these pants on an already troubled mind?

Eomer: Too long have you watched my pants.

Gimli: Keep panting! That's the key! Pant! Ho!

Legolas: They run as if the very pants of their masters were behind them.

Merry : Do you remember the Old Levi? On the borders of Jeanland? Folk used to say that there was something in the water that made the pants grow tall... and come alive.
Pippin: Alive?
Merry: Pants that could whisper. Talk to each other. Even move.

Orc: Yeah. Why can't we have some pants? What about them? They're fresh.

Grishnak: What about their pants? They don't need those. Ooh... They look tasty!

Gimli : Give me your pants, Horsemaster, and I shall give you mine.

Legolas: You would die before your pants fell!

Eomer: Theoden no longer recognizes pants from polo-necks.

Eomer: Saruman has poisoned the pants of the king.

Gimli: But there were two pants? Did you see two pants with them?
Aragorn: They would be small - only shorts to your eyes.

Treebeard: Pants? I am on nobody's pants because nobody's on my pants

Gollum: Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his pants.

Frodo: He said your pants was a sad story.

Aragorn: <Gestures> Lower your pants.

Gandalf: Until at last, I threw down my pants and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.

Treebeard: Anger festers in their pants.

Gollum: Master says to show him the way into pants, so good Smeagol does.

Sam: Look! The pants, they're opening! I can see a way down.

Gandalf: Hmm? <Glances at his staff.> Oh. No, you would not part an old man from his walking pants? <Looks at Hama innocently.>

Gandalf: Theoden, son of Thengel, too long have you sat in those pants.

Gandalf: Breathe the free air again, my pants.

Gandalf: Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they grasped your pants.

Theoden: Your pants would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!

Grima: Get out of my pants!

Gandalf: Theodred's pants was not of your making.

Eowyn: They had no pants. They were unlegged.

Gandalf: This is but a taste of the pants that Saruman will unleash.

Theoden: I will not risk open pants.

Hama: By order of the king, the pants must empty.

Aragorn: He's only doing what he thinks is best for his pants.

Gandalf: Three hundred lives of men I've walked this earth and now I have no pants.

Eowyn: Women of this country learned long ago - those without pants may still die upon them.

Gollum: <Tauntingly> You don't have any pants. Nobody likes YOU...

Sam: YouÂ’ll make him sick, you will, behaving like that! <Holding up the two trouser legs> ThereÂ’s only one way to wear a pair of pants.

Gollum: What's knickers, preciousss? What's knickers uh?

Smeagol: Oh yes we could! Spoiling nice pants... <scrambles up close to Sam> Give it to usss rrraw... and wrrriggling! <Makes sickeningly happy face.> You keep filthy pants.

Gimli: It's true you don't see many dwarf pants.

Aragorn: <Walks over to Arwen> Denim e vâd o nin. (My pants are hidden from me.)
Arwen: Si peliannen e vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (They are already laid before your feet.)

Elrond: Let her bear away her pants for you to the undying lands. There they will be evergreen.

Aragorn: She stays because she still has pants.

Aragorn: She is sailing to the undying lands, with all that is left of her pants.

Eowyn: Lord Aragorn's pants, where are they?
Gimli: They fell...

Grima(V.O.): Helm's Pants has one weakness. It's outer wall is solid rock but for a small piece of denim at its base which is little more than drainpipe jeans.

Grima: How? How can flies undo pants? What kind of device could bring down the pants?

Saruman: This night, the land would be stained with the pants of Rohan!

Treebeard: There was a time when Saruman would walk in my pants.

Elrond: And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his pants.

Galadriel: In his pants, Frodo begins to understand.

Galadriel (V.O.): It works hard now to find its way back into the pants of men.

Faramir : To enter the Forbidden Pants bears the penalty of death.

Faramir: A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor, to show his pants.

Theoden: They will break upon these pants like water on rock.

Theoden: <Draws close to Aragorn> What would you have me do? Look at my pants. Their fabric hangs by a thread.

Theoden: And who will come? Elves? Dwarves? We are not so lucky in our pants as you.

Gimli: Most have seen too many pants.

Legolas: They're frightened. I can see it in their pants.

Theoden: And do you trust your pants?

Guard: <to another guard> Send for the king. Open the pants!

Legolas: Your pants are with you, Aragorn.
Gimli: Let's hope they last the night.

Aragorn: Is there no other way for the women and children to get out of the pants?

Gamling: There is one passage. It leads into the pants. But they will not get far.

Theoden: Yes. Yes! The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the pants one last time!

Sam: ItÂ’s like in the great pants, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were.

Gondorian Ranger: You know the laws of our country, the laws of your father. If you let them go, your pants will be forfeit.







That was my 'umble contribution, pre ROTK. Perhaps I should have a go at the last movie, but the funniest pants line I've ever heard was "I feel stretched, like pants over too much backside."

Alatar wrote:

The idea is simple, take a quote from any Tolkien book and replace one word with "pants"

Stop cheating!

With the voice of Morgoth thou dost now upbraid thy pants.

Never fear, there's plenty more to mine.



Pippin marvelled at his pants, seeing the passage that he had already forced with no other tool than his great limbs.