Anywho - I'm just going to list them in one thread, and hope they are enjoyed
Just to point out as well, these poems are not in any particular order. Many are older, even 6-7 years in some cases. There are a few written on the spot, just cause I felt like writing. There are ones about Steve that are before ones about my abuse on this list, even though they were written after - I like to intersperse the happy with the sad, otherwise, it just gets monotonous. I will number them so it's easier for people to comment if they wish
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As an explanation of this first one - everyone has that side of them that they don't want to show, not to other people, or to themselves. Not necessarily because that side is bad, but because it can be scary - honestly looking at yourself without emotion and seeing any and all flaws. I don't really know how to explain it, but........ ok, I'll just type the poem. here it goes...
1
I see you
and you shove your way
out of the room I hid you in
stop doing that!
I hid you back there for a purpose
I don't want to see you
your coldness makes me numb
we play hide and seek
except you won't hide
and I don't want to seek
lets start the game again
I'll count to one hundred
you find a shadowy place to hide
and I'll pretend to seek you
but you'll be hidden way to deep inside
I won't be able to find you
You won't want to pop out
I'll let you take your due
Just don't tell me what its about
we will just hide from each other
and neither of us will win
but its better that way
you can't show me my greatest sin
Lets start the game again
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2
See these hands
wrapped around the moon
they glow with such
power?
holding back everything
except ghosts and dreams
Rent an angel for a day
it will keep all the men away
keep you safe
keep you sane
carry you high
no more pain
Softness to hold me
on the top of my clouds
There I can dream
no worries, no cares
safe from everything
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3
lost
but unafraid
daydreaming and dreaming
of you
writing what I am thinking
except
I don't know what I am thinking
Speaking
my thoughts ready to fall
off the tip of my tongue
instead
written by my fingers
Touching
these hands that could cause
so much pleasure
instead
carressing a page
at this moment you are not close enough
I want to talk to you
see the expressions on your face
feel my hand in your
I want to say nothing
Do nothing
Write nothing
but have you understand
whether by being in your arms
or 10,000 miles away
I'll send you this
and hope my meaning is clear
I miss you
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4
A slight sound awakens me
...a sigh
the whisper of the sheets
...sliding off
and I swear you are here
I tremble like a leaf in autumn
...a slight breeze
and I will fall
...Where are you?
Warmpth leaves my side
...but only for a moment
then a breath on my neck
...a feather kiss
What dream, what vision?
...so sweet
The elegance of you
...I am lost
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5
I need a four leaf clover
pick the leaves apart
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me NOT!
yet, it symbolizes good luck
tricks in the leaves
perhaps it is not reality
show me these memories
let them take over instead
of choking them off
making the pain last longer
shrill screams,
splitting at the seams
how long has it been?
one tear, one smile
empty
Find another clover
doesn't matter how many leaves
what is lucky for some
might not be for me
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6
This one, I will make a comment on. Firstly, I consider it one of the best and most honest poems I've ever written. On TORC, however, there were a few people who thought this was about religion - it's not. To quote what I said on TORC...
ok, now the poem...
Quote: This poem was about an abusive relationship that I was in. It can often seem, in a relationship like that, that the abuser almost wants to be seen as your God. As your creator. They are, in fact, trying to recreate you as a person utterly dependant on them for everything. Scared to do anything without their approval. And when I say anything, I mean anything - things as simple as filling out a job application, talking on the phone, the transportation used to travel to and from work or school. All of these things suddenly become filled with questions.
Am I doing this right? Am I going to get in trouble for getting a ride instead of taking the bus? Even something tiny suddenly becomes important - "Am I sitting down right? Or am I sitting to heavily?"
That sort of thing. The poem was about a particular instance of abuse that occured that was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. Took me almost a year after that occurence had happened to actually run, but I did.
Rubbing alcohol
the smell of it filling my nostrils
sits in front of me
in his hand
Take this and drink of me
You are not my God
My God
The knife flashes, my head thrashes
the shower curtain falls
and I lay here stunned
Unzip
Take this and drink of me
You are not my God
My God
Push and Punish, crawl and plead
can't I see, this is exactly what I need
One more wafer, one more crumb
Beg for more, he's having fun
A hand raised
Take this and eat of me
You are not my God
My God
What has he done?
Swollen lips, bruised hips
Blood drips
I choose to RUN!
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7
She walks
passing from the glow of the sun
under the fragmented shadow of a tree
and into the sun again
a flower, once fresh and vibrant
droops a little above her ear
its scent lingers behind her
softening the air
her long hair shines in the light
and a smile lingers upon her lips
and in her eyes
she glances up at a passing person
her eyes light up and joy
makes her smile grow
she gives a soft hello
And I could almost swear
she loves this person
this person she does not know
but that is just the way she greets people
sharing peace and happiness with those around her
as if she had an infinite supply
Her heart shows in her eyes
I can see all of her
there is something that says that she knows
more of lifes sorrows than I would ever want to know
she is so strong
and I wish I could be her
I wish I could smash this mirror down
and be what in her I see
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8
come on
its just play
no one is going to hurt me
not much anyway
this is life
its just a game
so learn the rules
even though rules aren't much fun
our reward if we win?
I don't know
but we all reach the end
and who is luckier
the one who gets there first
or the one who's last in line
sometimes don't you just want
the game to end?
one piece
one time
outa my mind
play on in your own clock
seconds ticking by
slower than the sun
come on, lets go
wait for the eclipse
and then?
light hiding in darkness
isn't that the way it always goes?
shadows and rainbows
Fuck me if I know
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9
raw, repulsive, frantic, shadow
dream scream
shine on my aching void
sad visions, mad visions
he is less like a man
and more like a boy
man
soar on beneath the sky
i'll leave you behind
above the wind symphony
whisper and sing
instead of screaming
always running away
think woman
two slept together
two sleep alone
love is gone
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10
Close my eyes
...to the hell that surrounds me
Close my heart
...to the people who try to break in
Close my mind
...to the knowledge that hurts me
Close my soul
...to those that refuse to acknowledge their own
Everything that causes me pain
...causes me joy as well
Leave me alone
...I wish to be a goddess again
...to fly away from the devil
and go where the angels are
She has pretended to be
...angelic
before, but her demon
...always comes through
tries to rip myself away
Throw her out!!
...Her will will NOT
become mine!!
...Never
She can keep herself as low
...as she wants
but she
...WILL NOT
pull me down with her
...she is no friend of mine
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11
This breeze from your fan
is fucking with my head
It smells like pot smoke.
Its time that things were said.
We never cared about each other
only pretended because it was fun
You wanted to be my lover
I just needed to depend on someone
You seemed perfect,
and I guess that I did too
but then we go to know one another
and things were to good to be true
And I wasn't true to myself
I forgot all about that for a while
till you pointed itself out to you
and to me
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12
you like what you touch
you like what you see
you like what you hear
but you don't like me
how does that work?
psychosomatic minds
that don't agree
with whats inside
and nightmares
that repeat themselves
same story, different people
....different dreams
but always the same ending
how many can I go through
before the plot will change
the cold comes from outside
and works its way in
my love exits through tears
until I am cold
until I don't care
Remember when it was
"be mine, be true
...but I don't know who you are"
I thought I had it figured out
guess I was wrong
so who will be the next
who will dare to breath me in
I don't know if I will
clear his mind
or make him choke
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13 (this one is named after the last word in each verse)
Darkness in my eyes
.....comes pouring out
like tears, but without the salt
or anything else that would
make it
human
Yet for some reason
.....it stings
drops on my skin like acid
as if darkness was captured
always feeling
pain
A phone rings in the distance
.....the sound aches
A voice I never wanted to hear
not again, not for any reason
and so it
starts
My voice cracks like old stone
.....crumbling like sand
I have caused anguish
and recieved it back tenfold
fall back
in
Slam it down, don't slam me down!!
.....I ran, I ran
Following me with a voice
won't change that
never with
him again
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14 (one of my favorites)
Dragon gripping glass
...Wine flowing through
I sip, I taste
.....I lick and embrace
Lines flow down and curl around
...The color changes hue
Spicy and rich
.....I moan and twitch
White wine or red
...Drink deeply, inhale
Intoxicating pleasure
.....An evening treasure
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15
The earth that gives me life
The sun that gives it light
The stars that glow in the night sky
The warm breeze on my face
The lips that kiss my tears away
The joy that makes me laugh
The music that makes me soar
The hands that hold me when I dream
All of these are you
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16 This one has confused people in the past. It's actually a very cheerful poem. I used to always look for comfort in the sea, or just swimming any way I could. There is something about it - the way it always holds you, but the slight danger there is in letting it take over... I love it!
Washing, rolling, crawling
...always holding
Dive down deep, feel the cold
...smother and break
Aching cheeks, grinning
...and sleek
Tearing eyes, salt and sand
...cradle and wake
Silk sliding, cement crying
...which will it be?
Red slap, soft enfolding
...submerge my fate
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17
Late in the night he came
His deceptive voice I heard
and with one cruel word
I was yet again filled with shame
Pulse quicken, Panic stricken
Make it stop, make him STOP!
When would this conversation end?
I tried to stay calm
to act with aplomb
but both silence and words did offend.
I'm tired, I'm required
will I never be left alone?
You would think a thousand miles
would make a difference
but it doesn't shrink my abhorrence
Its still the same old trials
No touch? Its not much
Comfort comes only with loneliness
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18
Peace within me and without
Calm down, just dream
there is no need to shout
Silence my breath and still my tongue
adreneline in the extreme
far from me panic is flung
Dvorak's New World Symphony plays
a message perhaps?
Gorgeous melody, set my heart ablaze
I am strong, full of beauty and life
love to give
I have no room for this strife
Care for the friends that surround me
take away the hint of grief
It has no place here, give it to the sea
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19
Whisper away the day
live true
sing together under
a shining rose moon
in the smooth blue sky
sweet music and lazy sun showers
lighten the morning mist
Loves power shows
Swim bare and
naked
then sleep
chant
It could be a dream
It could be bliss
This future I could
share
with you
Loves power shows
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20 - another one of my favorites
Silken sliding,
fabric gliding
air upon my skin
feels like so much,
this non-existent touch
I feel it deep within
O Sleep! O sleep!
he will come again
Languidly dreaming,
eyes sultry gleaming
No movement will I make
warm body near
holding me here
Creating such a sweet ache
Awake! O my love!
Leave me not behind
Sun shines through
the night proves untrue
sensuous feelings persist
Silence my cries
and close my eyes
By phantom lips I am kissed
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21
As the end of this evening closer drew
Deep within a burning ache
Someone I call a friend was feeling blue
Black anger caused hands to shake
And though the twilight seemed so dreary
With the darkness comes new light
Let not this ire make him weary
The end of the day brings dreams in flight
A dusky shadow falls on the sun
Piercing beams are turned quite gentle
Reds and golds hint day is done
Showing beauty transcendental
Slowly, softly the winds do cease
and with midnight velvet tranquility
Inner soul takes release
erasing thoughts of vulnerability
Morning tiptoes quietly near
But hesitates to perturb
Hushed voice singing touches ear
Ethereal dawn does not disturb
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22 - for 9/11
When the silence ended
it was not with a word
nor a scream
but with a touch
a million of them
First there was light
shining from darkness
a stranger
suddenly a friend
a million of them
Then a hand gripping tight
showing life in the midst of horror
a touch
a beacon of hope
a million of them
Stepping out of the smoke and ash
bitter freedom gained
a crowd
life forever changed
a million of them
Hold each other close
heart to heart
now a sister
a brother
a mother
a father
a son
How many tears will fall?
a million times a million
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23
Sleeping on a beach
miles and miles long
water rolling over my legs
I feel like I belong
When rose dawn spreads
changing the midnight sky
I know its time to go
but the leaving I deny
Sand covers me from head to toe
and salt has dried out my lips
but a night spent on the beach
is a night of utter bliss
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24
The rain comes down so hard
The safest place for me
Floating and falling
But if I want, if I dream
denials are clearly written
Floating and Falling
This vision that I have
It is not prophetic
Floating and Falling
Floating and Falling
I say it again and again
who cares if I repeat myself
Life can be to much
of a frustration
of a lie
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25
Smooth and hard under my feet
depth in its darkness
and light in its core
a reflection
a face
Looks so easy to touch
but when you reach out
in warm wood
cold comfort
silent
feels cool against my cheek
when I lay down on it
hard truth
distance
time
but there is strength in it
seals against the leaks
that time brings
that age brings
lonely
in my mind, there is fire
warmth that denies
current thought
fire as memory
trust
and light streaming in
and the sound of leaves
brushing windows
an empty room
waiting
the memory of future laughter
echoes in here
water runs
and I
ache
No reason to go
every reason to stay
holding me close
future dream
hope
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26
Voices echo overhead
Strange tongues for people
of distant lands
and I am one of them
But not a word do I comprehend
To busy, listening for a voice
Eyes searching the crowds
A glimpse? Yes!
no, not yet
The waiting continues
Shoes click on the tiles
Children laugh, a phone rings
and I walk, bag trailing behind me
every face seeming familiar
for a moment at least
Every second an eternity
making the past months
only a flash
but still, no sign yet
and a feeling of worry creeps in
No phone with which to call
but the moment anxiety
takes over
a hand on my shoulder
warmth that takes over
Those eyes, that smile
wonderful, fantastic... amazing!
incredible and insane!
live for love,
and you break all the rules
No one ever told me
that that "hello"
that just caressed my ears
would make my whole life
take new meaning
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27
The TV screen flashes light
but my eyes close
Only conscious of your arms
In which I doze
Mischief brews even half asleep
cheeks aching from smiling
A caress and a grin set the tone
And a wink thats so beguiling
Leather couch sticks to bare skin
and there are better places to lay
thick rug, it cushions so soft
An inviting spot for play
Warm weight brings comfort
and undreamt of exhilaration
my life, my love, my breath - its yours!
Your presence is my salvation
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28
The sun has risen, the moon gone down
In months I don't want to tell
Thoughts become clear as crystal waters
New feelings I cannot quell
Twilight came on a winters eve
and with it, astonished delight
for turning around, a laughing voice
and eyes that seemed to invite
A week of unexpected merriment and mirth
and the last two days with bliss
Welcome and desired joy
brought with such sweet kiss
This fortune I had never dreampt
Life awoken with electric zap
Trust, surrender and acceptance
My heart stolen during a nap
Months later it has not been returned
No longer mine to bestow
neither would I want it to be
We shine in euphoric glow
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29
Many miles between us lie
Connected by voice and phone
But for joy, sorrow I deny
We are far from being alone
Gossamer threads bind us near
From love and trust they stem
Though delicate they appear
Steel like strength is in them
A word, a phrase, a sound so dear
Longed for touch on skin
Seven weeks as a lifetime appear
But deep hope lies within
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30
Early evening "ring-ring"
and I wonder...
Why can't you sleep?
Tired eyes, minutes ticking by
I know how it goes
But I'll be there soon
With an early bedtime, tire you out
You'll forget that clock
Morning will be a long way away
Cool sheets, steady breath on skin
late night comfort
faint light showing favorite company
head on shoulder, arm wrapped around
pushed to edge of bed
by someones insistent snuggling
Late morning murmur, laughter with the sun
a beg for coffee
Deep contentment in slow love
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31 - This one is based on a picture that I love
There once was a frog that I kissed
When he perched one night on my wrist
A tail and horn he grew
and suddenly I knew
This frogs charms I couldn't resist
But I was to be shocked even more
Had no idea what was in store
He kissed me right back
Twas a big sloppy smack
And it knocked me straight to the floor!
Now I was in serious disarray
Understand, I couldn't leave it that way!
Looking right in his eyes
I began to advise
But my Frog Prince just wanted to play.
With his horn I felt him poke
while with his tail he did stroke
it really did tickle
I was in quite a pickle
For on my laughter I began to choke
Now Prince Charming is supposed to be sweet
More than that, he should be discrete
But little frog o' mine
Though he's quite divine
Is beginning to deserve quite the beat
But instead of beating, I've kissed my frog again
He looks up at me and says "Oh Jen...
You are such a twit
I'm a mischevious git
And I'll never be like other men."
To tell the truth, it made me very glad
so much so, that I just have to add...
Though the kiss was a whim
I am keeping him
Though many think me quite mad.
So thats the story of my Frog Prince and I
The man who makes me swoon, sing and sigh
He's smart and he's funny
and makes my world sunny
He's really the stars in my sky